I stumble across old reminders of who I used to be. I wish I could forget.

This morning I found a receipt from one of my favorite coffee places with a napkin stapled to it. When I opened it I knew exactly what it was. It was a tally from last year when I was at my lowest. It was a calculation of how much money I would spend each month on weed, cigarettes, and alcohol. At the time I never had any money, so I would always count how much I spent and then multiply it by 30 or 31 to get the total for the month. I would then subtract this from my monthly income to find out how much I really had.<br><br>I did the math again this morning and got the same result. $936. It was less than half of what I made each month. I did not count the time it took to get it, so that number is relative. I also did not count gas, because I did not track that. I just knew that I could not afford to keep doing it. I had no car, no job, no girlfriend, and no hope. I knew I had to change something. I got a job, and I started to feel a bit better. I moved into a new house with a couple of my friends and I began to see life differently. I got a new phone, and a new car, but I still had the same habits. I still smoked a lot of weed, and I still drank a lot.<br><br>I took the napkin with me to work this morning and at one of my breaks I did the math again. I was wondering how much I spent if I multiplied it by 12. I did the math again and got a large number for that month, but nothing I had not done before. When I multiplied that number by 12 I was shocked. 11,232. I had spent over 10,000 dollars on weed, cigarettes, and alcohol over the last year. I felt sad. I felt like there must be something wrong with me that I can not stop. I felt like I could do anything if I could just stop spending money on drugs, but I never can.<br><br>I work hard, and I save a lot of money. I am proud of myself for breaking out of my old patterns and for persevering. I am proud of myself for never giving up. I had over 2,000 dollars saved before turning 25, but then I spent it all on drugs. I got a new job, and I started saving again. I recently bought a van and I have been saving for this trip I am going to go on soon. I am going to drive across the country with a couple of my friends, and we are going to do all of the things we have not been able to do all year. We are going to party every night, and we are going to see all of the things we have always talked about but never seen.<br><br>I am excited for it, but I also know what it is going to cost. I will be spending money on gas, hotels, and food. I will also be spending money on drugs. At least a couple hundred per day, and I will be bringing drugs with me. It is not ideal, but at least I can afford it now. I am not in danger of losing my job, or my house. I do not have to worry about how I am going to get to work, or how I am going to pay for my cigarettes. I feel safe, and I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be.<br><br>I am happy to be where I am, but I am also sad. I am sad that I am still the same person. I am sad that I am still spending all of my time and money on stupid things. I am sad that I have not figured out how to escape the cycle yet. I am sad that I lost the receipt and then found it again. I am sad that I have to go through the same things over and over again. I am sad that I will probably have to do it again, and I am sad that I will probably never change.<br><br>I am slowly learning to be kinder to myself and less judgmental, but it is hard when I see how much money I spent last year. I am slowly learning to be more compassionate, and I am slowly learning to accept my flaws for what they are. They are a part of who I am, and they always will be. I will probably always struggle with drugs and alcohol, but I am finally starting to see that it is okay. I am finally starting to see that it is not the end of the world, and it is not the end of me. I am still alive, and I am still here. I am still kicking, and I am still fighting.<br><br>So I guess we will see. Maybe someday I will stop spending all of my time and money on stupid things. Maybe someday I will wake up and be a completely different person. Maybe someday I will stop smoking weed, and I will stop drinking. Maybe someday I will find happiness, and maybe someday I will be free. I do not know. I do not know if it will ever happen, but I do know one thing. I am still alive, and I am still here, so I am going to keep going.