I'm married, 25, mother to be, and feel trapped. I need help.

Apologies for length. I need to rant a little. I have no friends who really understand or have sympathy. <br><br>TL;DR: World ended around 2020. Jobless. Got pregnant. Need help.<br><br>I live in a small town, and was 20 when the world ended. I was horribly depressed and anxious, but determined to get over it. At the time I loved the small town and had spent many summers there as a child. I spent 2 years in therapy and felt better. But my depression rotted my teeth. I had no medical care so I could barely eat anything for 3 years. (I'm sure that didn't help my mental health.)<br><br>I spend most my days sitting on the couch (I'm a remote programmer, on a windows machine...), studying my notes, researching new topics, and reading articles related to my field. I also read a little fiction. I keep my windows open, clean the house, and usually prepare my husband's meals (he is not picky and is happy with the food I make). I also maintain a small garden.<br><br>So its now 2023 and I still don't feel great. It seems like the whole town is rotting. The streets get worse every year, the houses get more broken down. The town is full of slums, and no one wants to help clean it. They go to church and watch the grass grow.<br><br>My husband and I got married on my 23rd birthday. This was stupid, I should not have married him. I regret it. But I thought the world had already ended. I thought we could open a business to help rebuild. I was 21 and stupid when we got engaged and married at 23. I was 25 at the time I was pregnant.<br><br>My husband used to work in construction, but only worked a few months each year. He said we were going to work on a business plan, put together a portfolio, and I would ask investors for a small business loan. It never happened. We always had too much work to do, or else we were too poor, or else there were too many things to fix. He never worked on his business plan. He never even figured out what he wanted to do. He barely worked, but I didn't know how to help him. I tried being patient. But then I got pregnant and I was so sick. So I barely left my bed for 6 months.<br><br>I'd also been around the world a few times before I moved back to my home town. I loved to travel. I missed it. But my husband had never left the country. He didn't even have a passport. I wanted him to explore the world, but I didn't know how to encourage him. I also didn't know how to ask him to work harder or get a job. I asked him to work more but he got angry.<br><br>It upset me that he didn't have to work as hard as I did. He didn't realize how hard it was to work and be pregnant, but he got mad that I was asking him to work more. He also got mad when I didn't make him food. He doesn't like or know how to cook. It used to be fun to cook for him because he would always compliment me. But the more pregnant I got the harder it was to cook. I couldn't even walk for 5 minutes without laying down and getting sick. It also made me angry that he would get mad when I suggested he work harder. He should work harder and I should not have to cook for him.<br><br>I denied it to myself for months, but I finally realized I didn't want to have the baby. I didn't want him to be a father. I don't even want him to be my husband. I told him I didn't want to have the baby and he was super upset. I told him I was sorry but it was the truth. I was angry that he didn't get a job, I was upset that the world ended, and now I was going to have a baby with someone who I didn't want to have a baby with? I was angry that he didn't want to work, but now I had to work while pregnant because he didn't bring home enough? It wasn't fair. I was angry that the world was so broken. I was angry that I had to be so sick while pregnant and be responsible for all the food and everything else.<br><br>And then the other day I found out it was a girl. I cried because I was so happy. I felt proud and strong and I love her already. I feel so happy to be a mother. I was sitting on the couch looking at her picture. I'm excited to get to know her. I feel a little better now that I know when my help will arrive. I feel more confident. I'm happy she's a girl. I'm happy to be a mother. I feel like my mother and I are connected.<br><br>And now I know what I want to do. I want to be a good mother and help her. I want to help my daughter grow and leave our town. I want to help her do everything she wants to do in life. I want to help her grow into a happy smart adult woman. I want to educate her and nurture her and be her mom and friend. I love her so much. I haven't been this excited about anything in a very long time. I realize I missed out on my own childhood a little due to the pandemic, so I want to help give that to her. I know I'll have to take care of myself too, but I feel better knowing I get to take care of my daughter too.