I want to talk about The Choke

I think the first time I experienced The Choke was when I was 9 years old. My brother was 3 and I was supposed to be babysitting him. I was on the phone with a girl from school and I was talking about how I had to go make lunch and take care of my brother. She asked if I was doing it out of obligation or because I wanted to. I said obligation. In that moment, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I couldn’t swallow. It felt like a big boulder was blocking my airways. It was physically painful. My brother fell asleep in his swing and I just couldn’t deal with it. I cried and I couldn’t call anyone to help. I was alone and no one was going to help me. If I couldn’t handle it then, how would I handle it when I had my own kids? I didn’t even want kids. I didn’t even want a brother. Maybe it was a cruel joke. I still can’t explain it. I still don’t know what it is. But I think it’s female oppression and societal expectations. I was still a kid and expected to take care of another kid. My parents didn’t expect me to take care of him, but there was just something. I still experience The Choke sometimes, where I feel like I can’t speak or breathe. It feels like something is blocking my airways. Can anyone explain this to me?