I've been lonely my entire life.

As soon as I was old enough to get a phone, I checked to see if I had been left voicemails. I never did. I was maybe 6 or 7. I would go after school to stay with the lady down the road for my mom because she regularly worked til 7 or 8. I would play with her dogs and talk about my day. I was happy. I thought I'd get phone calls when I was older; I waited to confirm I was lonely. 44 years later, my phone still gathers dust. No one wants to talk to me. I've come to accept it. I've been lonely my entire life, by the look of things, I will die lonely as well. My husband doesn't really talk, he has a disability that causes him to spasm, have a seizure, and scream. Sometimes he'll have a small conversation but it's very rare. I was told he would be able to talk but I've come to accept that will never happen. He's 9 years younger than me and I thought we'd have plenty of time. I'm not sure if we will. <br><br>About a year ago when the lockdown started, I thought with people stuck home, I could be the one that people would reach out to to go for a walk or get some fresh air. I thought I'd be able to make some friends that way. I never got a single phone call or text. <br><br>In my early 30s, I had a group of friends. I didn't understand why they would go to each other's houses and spend weekends together. I don't know why they were so close to each other and not to me. I can only think of one explanation. I look at old photos from birthday parties and I see how much closer they were than I'll ever be. I don't know why they ever wanted to be my friend. <br><br>I can only imagine, in my dreams, that there's at least one person somewhere that actually does want to be friends with me, to talk with me, to laugh with me, to hug me, and to go places with me. I can only imagine what it would be like to have someone want to talk with me during lockdown. I'm just not that person to anyone. <br><br>I will be alone my entire life. I have nothing to say to anyone that would be interesting, funny, worthwhile, or memorable. I don't have anything to add to anyone's life. I accept this. I will continue to be lonely my entire life. <br><br>It's not that bad.