Confession: I’m a pill popper and I’m not happy about it.

I was 15 and now I’m 23. 8 long years taking my opioid medication for chronic pain. <br><br>I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. Specifically hypermobile type 3. For those who aren’t familiar, it’s a rare genetic disease that affects muscles, connective tissue. The most obvious sign of my disease is the way my joints painfully pop in and out. <br><br>I have lived with chronic pain since I was 8. After 7 years of severe migraines, I finally got diagnosed with migraines and some more pain diagnoses that led me to a pain specialist. <br><br>I was prescribed percocet 10mg, then eventually hydrocodone 20mg, then eventually oxycodone extended release 60mg. As my body got too tolerant, they gave me hydromorphone extended release for 8 years. That medicine, in a dosage of 8mg every 12 hours, kept my pain at a 4-6 on the pain scale. My baseline pain without pain medication is a 9-11. <br><br>With a history of opiate abuse in my family, I was afraid of taking pain medication. My pain specialist warned me of the dangers of addiction. I was also afraid I’d take too much and die. I was afraid my kidneys would fail from the constant urination. <br><br>I listened to my body, I took my medication as instructed. If I needed more, I’d take it. When my pain got worse, I’d call my doctor and they’d prescribe me a higher dose. I’ve never felt high on my medication. I’ve never felt like taking more than I was instructed to. If anything, I sought less medication. <br><br>But I was concerned. In order to function, I needed to take this medication. I had to take it twice a day to feel normal. If I was late, I’d feel pain. It was like my body was yelling, “GET YOUR MEDICINE! GET YOUR MEDICINE!” <br><br>I felt like an addict. An addict defined by American Psychological Association is someone who seeks drugs or alcohol to “cope with difficult emotions, trauma, stress, or mental health disorders.”<br><br>But I’m a normal person! I’m a college graduate! I’m a smart person! I’m gainfully employed! I pay my taxes! I do yoga and I drink water! <br><br>I’ve also had 10 surgeries since I was 18. I was once in a surgical saga, which means I had to have 4 surgeries in 7 weeks. I’ve had my appendix out twice. I’ve had my gallbladder out. I’ve had a pacemaker. I’ve had a laparoscopy. I’ve had a colonoscopy. I’ve had a tonsillectomy. I’ve had stitches in my eyelid. I’ve had a root canal. <br><br>I’ve had sleeping problems and insomnia. I was on ambien for 4 months. <br><br>I’ve had an eating disorder. I’m on ADHD meds. <br><br>I’ve had cancer. I’m on 2 blood thinners. <br><br>I had a stroke when I was 15. I’m on a blood pressure pill. And a cholesterol pill. <br><br>I recently was put on an anti-anxiety pill. <br><br>I’m a fucking pill popper. I don’t know to cope with life without the need to take pills. <br><br>But I recently was prescribed gabapentin. 300mg per day. And I had to take my medication every 8 hours. Which means I took my medication 3 times a day. When I took my medication with my gabapentin, I was surprised to notice my pain had decreased dramatically. It was 2. I didn’t even need more medication! I was so comfortable, I didn’t need to move! <br><br>I didn’t need more pain medication until recently, when my pain went up to a 6. I was taking my medication every 8 hours. 5mg of hydromorphone every 8 hours. I felt more pain free than I had ever felt in my life. <br><br>My pain specialist was happy. They rarely see cases like mine. I was a success story! I was functioning! I was pain free! I was also not an addict. I’d never had an issue with abusing my medication. Never once had I ever felt high from my medication. The doctors were able to taper me off my ambien when I needed to stop it. <br><br>I recently went for a check-up, and now my pain specialist is concerned. She wants me to see an addiction specialist. She wants to taper me down to a lower dose. I’m a success story, I’m pain free. But the concern of addiction is a concern. <br><br>I’m also concerned. But I’m also happy. I’m happy that I’m finally feeling better. But I’m also afraid of what my body is going to do. <br><br>I just want to live my life. I want to live free from pain. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be able to be a person who doesn’t need to take pills to function. <br><br>I also want to acknowledge, that I will not have a successful taper. At some point in my life, I’m going to have to come off of these pills. I’m going to have to get off of this medication. I’m worried, but I’m also relieved. That I will not always have to be on pills. I will be able to reach the end of my journey and be done. <br><br>Anyways, I’m done. I hope this story is helpful. I know there are many people struggling with addiction and I want to raise awareness and make it clear that there is a fine line between addiction and pain management. I’ve been in a situation where I would be deemed as an addict, but I am not. <br><br>Also, please feel free to share your experiences. I’m happy to hear about your experiences too. <br><br>I hope that this story is helpful! And hope that you are all happy and healthy! <br><br>Edit: Wow, thank you so much for the support! I didn’t mean to come across as self-hating or self-loathing. I want to make it clear that you are not a failure if you need medication to function! I also want to make it clear that it is not shameful or embarrassing to take medication to function. It’s hard to admit, but the concern of addiction is a very real concern, especially for those who have struggled with addiction before. I know I’ve struggled with addiction before, I’ve struggled with disordered eating and substance abuse. I want to make it clear that I do not judge anyone for taking medication to function. <br><br>Also, please do not DM me hateful messages. I will do my best to ignore them. If you disagree with my post, please do not try to attack me or be mean to me. I understand that there are differences of opinions, and I respect and acknowledge that. <br><br>Also, please be respectful. I will not tolerate or respond to messages that are mean or hateful. This is not a place to shame or guilt or blame people. <br><br>Also, please do not ask me questions like, “What medicine do you take?” Or “How do you take it?” This is not the place to ask questions like that. <br><br>Anyways, thank you for the support! I am so happy to hear your stories! I love you all and I appreciate you so much!