I hate myself and my existence

I put myself through unnecessary shit constantly. I do the most hurtful things to myself because I feel that I deserve it. I drive myself away from the people I love, the people who love me, every time without fail. I ruin everything around me. I am a disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human life. I'm not allowed to kill myself so I'm stuck in this rut forever. There's no way I'm ever going to get better. I am a monster, I never will be anything else. I have a child to support and yet somehow I still manage to screw that up somehow. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. I always fuck up. I love my son, but I can't do anything good for him. I should never have procreated. I am a waste of time and resources. I don't want to exist anymore. I wish I was never born.