My dad killed himself and I'm the one they blame

I 20m never thought I'd be in a situation like this, I was pretty sure I'd be the one to end my life and not him. This was 4 years ago and I was only 16 at the time and still in school.<br><br>I remember it was a normal Saturday morning for me, I slept in my bedroom all morning when I got woken up by these weird noises, I ignored it thinking that it was nothing but decided to check anyway. That's when I saw our house filled with police, my dad's siblings, my mom, my siblings all crying and stuff. That's when I knew that something happened.<br><br>They all told me that my dad died. I was pretty calm about it and didn't react at all. That's when they told me it was by suicide, I didn't really know how to react and needed some time alone to process. A few weeks of crying non stop pretty much. My dad was my favorite person, I loved him so much and still do.<br><br>It's been 4 years and I'm doing okay. I graduated from school, went into college and got a job. That's when I noticed something was wrong, I was always blamed for my dad's suicide. People told me it was my fault, I was the reason he killed himself and I should be ashamed. I didn't really know why but I think it's because I dropped out of college in my first year. My dad wanted me to become a doctor and I knew how important it was to him, but honestly I sucked at it and felt miserable. It was better to dropout than to end up failing, but I still went to college and studied something else.<br><br>My dad's side of the family said I should've never dropped out, that my dad wanted me to become a doctor and I ruined his dream. Some people told me my dad killed himself because of me, because I was lazy and I let him down.<br><br>I don't really talk to my dad's side of the family anymore. Some of them still blame me, some of them don't and my mom's side of the family don't blame me. Life got a lot better once I cut some of them off.<br><br>Sometimes when I talk to people about my dad, they ask me how he died and I tell them it was by suicide. That's when they look at me and tell me it was my fault, I should've been a better son, I should've done this and that.<br><br>It hurts so much knowing the people I love blame me for my dad's death, but I'm doing okay. I still have some people left that don't blame me and love me so much. Life is sad but I'm doing okay, it could be worse.<br><br>If you're considering suicide, please don't. I know it's hard to think clearly but just know there are people who love and appreciate you, even if it doesn't feel like it. You're doing the best you can and that's something you should be proud of, you're not lazy or useless. You're an amazing person.