I Want To Kill Myself, But Not Death Itself

*This is a really personal vent I'm just gonna go ahead and say that I'm NOT suicidal, I don't have that mental illness.*<br><br><br>I want to kill myself, but the reason isn't because of depression or mental instability. It's because of my disability and the fact I can't take my crutches with me in the afterlife, heaven or hell or wherever I go, I just want to go somewhere where I can work normally in and I can actually do my job without having to rely on those crutches. I want to do something for my sake and I really wish I can be free from these sticks and not rely on them.<br><br>That in order to actually live the life I want to live, that I need to actually DIE for it to be achieved. I'm done with this life and I'm just ready to leave and get this overwith, the thought of actually leaving is actually really exciting to me.