I don't want to have kids, but I desperately want to be a mother. How do I make myself okay with this? (Obvious tl;dr inside)

I've thought about it my whole life. I've been certain I don't want kids for years now (31M) but I'm not happy with this. I desperately want to be a dad/father. I want the relationship a parent has with a their kid. I want to experience that bond and love. I want to watch my child grow and explore the world. I want to be a role model and someone a young person can look up to. I'm so envious of people who have children or want to become parents.<br><br>But then the reality sets in and I'm so overwhelmed by the negatives.<br><br>I'm terrified of the pain of losing a child. I can't even imagine hating someone I love more than myself so much I'd rather they not exist. We've had two miscarriages (my wife and I) and it was the lowest I've ever felt. I could barely function for months. I can't put myself through that again.<br><br>I'm not excited about a baby. I don't want to change diapers, or get woken up at 3 AM, or worry about SIDS, or breast/mottle feeding, or listen to a baby cry for hours on end.<br><br>I'm not excited about a toddler. I don't want to deal with tantrums. I don't want to be called "dad" and have a young person rely on me for everything while also trying to work full time. I don't want to be responsible for keeping someone alive while also trying to keep my own life together. I don't want to worry about things like car seats or baby gates or playground safety.<br><br>I don't want to deal with schools or teachers or bullying or picking them up an hour early because they threw up. I don't want to have to miss work to go to the school and give Benadryl to my kid because they ate too much sushi. I don't want to be forced into buying a minivan just to take my kid and their friends to soccer practice.<br><br>I don't want to be a single dad. I don't want my kid tracing my face onto a piece of paper at school, drawing tears coming from my eyes, and writing "my daddy is always sad."<br><br>Ugh, teenagers. I don't want to deal with acne. I don't want to deal with puberty. I don't want my son having sex for the first time when he's 12 but emotionally still 6. I don't want to deal with my daughter's first period, or buy tampons/pads, or procreation-driven fiction. I don't want to go to the emergency room because my kid came home with a shattered jaw because they tried to do a kickflip on a skateboard and failed. I don't want to tell my kid "no" "you cannot do that" a million times a day. I don't want to worry about my kids doing drugs or slipping into addiction. I don't want to play "cool dad" to their friends. I don't want to deal with them sneaking out at 2 AM and worry they're going to get murdered. I don't want to deal with the entire school knowing my kid got caught masturbating in class. I don't want to come home from work to a house filled with the smell of shit because my son clogged the toilet and instead of addressing it, he just closed the door and left.<br><br>And I don't want to be a dad to adults. I don't want to be forced into being an emotionally unavailable parent because my kid did everything "right" and I see them as a disappointment for not living up to my expectations. I don't want to have to answer a 3 AM knock at my door, not seeing my son since he graduated high school nearly a decade ago, and instead of being elated at the opportunity to reconnect, I'm filled with resentment because I had to bail him out of jail at 3 AM 10 years ago and nothing since then has made me want to ever see him again. I don't want to give an ultimatum to my daughter: "Shape up or ship out." I don't want my kids to treat me like I'm a monster, to where I can't bear the thought of going to their wedding, or their kid's birthday party, or anything at all where I'm welcome. I don't want to be the " shitty dad" that I had.<br><br>I know there are plenty of non-parents who have all of these experiences. But with kids, you're forced into them and can't avoid it. I can't imagine going through half of what my parents did raising me and my siblings and I still can't wait to get my dad's phone call tomorrow and hear him tell me, unsolicited, that I'm the biggest disappointment of his life.<br><br>Sorry guys. I'm just really heartbroken and I feel like I lost. I want to be a parent so badly, but I know that so many kids grow up with shitty or abusive parents and I never want to put someone through that. But…. I don't know. I'm sad.<br><br>**TL;DR:** I desperately want to be a parent but I can't get past the negatives.