My ex-wife is dying or at least that's what she claims.

I have to get this out and I don't have anyone else to talk to so I'll just post this here. The whole thing is absolutely surreal. We divorced around 8 years ago after I caught her in bed with one of her coworkers. It was not a clean divorce. It took us 2 years to sort everything out and after that we completely lost contact.<br><br>Well, yesterday I got a text from her (it was actually from her new husband) asking me to call him urgently. I was flabbergasted. I mean after 8 years of radio silence, out of nowhere I get this text. It was weird but I called him nonetheless. He introduced himself, told me that they got married 5 years ago and that she has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. According to him she only has a few months left to live and she wants to see me before she dies. I was taken aback. Perplexed. I really didn't know what to say. Or how to feel. When I finally managed to utter something, he gave me the address and we arranged to meet tomorrow.<br><br>I hung up the phone and started crying. I mean I haven't seen her in 8 years. I haven't even thought about her for years. And now she wants to see me? What is there to talk about after 8 years? I haven't got a clue. I was in shock. I didn't know what to think or feel. I was confused. After the initial tears stopped and the fog lifted from my head, I started to think clearly. I mean what the fuck? 8 years. 8 motherfucking years. She cheated on me. She tore our marriage apart. What does she want from me? Does she want my forgiveness? My pity? Why would she want to see me? And why would I want to see her? She is a stranger to me. Even if she was my wife, she cheated on me. She destroyed our marriage. And now she wants to see me? No. I'm not going to go there. I'm not going to talk to her. I'll send her a text telling her that I'm not going to go and that's it.<br><br>Then around 2 am I started second guessing myself. Maybe she wants to apologize. Maybe after 8 years she realized that what she did was wrong. Maybe she wants closure. Maybe she feels guilty. But what if she doesn't? What if she doesn't want to apologize? What if she wants something from me? What if she wants my sympathy? My pity? No. No, no, no. I don't want to feel sorry for her. I don't want to feel sympathetic. I don't want anything from her. Why should I feel sorry for her? Why? No, no, no. She made her bed. She did what she did eight years ago and she has to live with it. I'm not going to go there. I'm not going to see her. I'm not going to tell her what she wants to hear. I'm not going to absolve her of the guilt that she should have. She wants to see me? No. She doesn't want to see me. What she wants is to not feel guilty. And i'm not going to do it.<br><br>Then around 3 am I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning I was feeling just as confused and perplexed as I was last night. I mean this whole thing just doesn't make sense. I don't know what to make out of it. I mean why should I care about her? Why should I even think about this? I mean I'm doing well. I've moved on with my life. I'm in a better place. I'm happy. Why should I care about her problems? Why should I care whether she's dying or not? But for some reason I do. I don't know why. But I can't stop thinking about this. I can't stop thinking about her.<br><br>So, after a lot of deliberation I decided to send her a text. I wrote an whole monologue. I wrote a fucken book. But then I deleted it. I only wrote one sentence. "I'm not coming". There. It's done. That's it. Now I can finally stop thinking about this. Forget it once and for all. Move on.<br><br>Edit: I thought about this a lot after my last post and I finally decided to go. I wanted to see her and talk to her and get closure. I was feeling a bit anxious so I took around 3 benzos before I left. When I arrived at the house her husband greeted me on the doorstep. He invited me in but I said I was OK outside. He then started talking about her. Told me that they met at work and started dating around a year after my divorce was finalized. He told me that she never told him about her past. About me. About how they got married 5 years ago. How a year ago she told him about her past. About me. He told me that they went to therapy. Together. That she's a great person. That she's sorry. That she wants to apologize to me in person. Then he stopped talking.<br><br>I walked in the house. It was a small house. I could see her in the living room. I felt nothing. She looked at me and tears started forming in her eyes. I still felt nothing. There was silence. Deathly silence. I finally broke it. I said "hello". She didn't say anything. She just started sobbing. Full on sobbing. I felt nothing. I waited for her to calm down. It took around 10-15 minutes before she was able to talk. When she was able to talk she apologized. She told me how sorry she was. How much she had loved me. How much she still loved me. How she couldn't live without me. How she wants me back. How she made a mistake 8 years ago. How she regrets what she did. How much pain and suffering she has caused me. How she wishes she could go back in time and undo it all. But that she can't. How she can't live without me. How she wants me back. How she wants to be with me again. How she loves me so much. How she will always love me. How she knows that she has hurt me deeply. How she knows that she has caused so much pain to me. How she has tears in her eyes when she thinks about what she has done to me. How she wants to die in my arms. How she wants to be buried next to me. How she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. How she can't live without me. How she loves me. How much she loves me. How much she has always loved me.<br><br>I was flabbergasted. I was dumbfounded. I knew that she was a pathological liar but this? I didn't know what to say. I mean what the fuck? Are you fucken kidding me? Do you think that I'm stupid? Do you think that I'm gullible enough to believe you? Do you think that I'm going to fall for your lies? You want me back? You want to be with me again? You want to die in my arms? Do you think that I'm that fucken stupid? What the fuck is wrong with you? But perhaps she was telling the truth. Perhaps she wasn't lying. Perhaps she was telling the truth. Perhaps she did want to be with me. Perhaps she did want to die in my arms. But even if she was telling the truth, it made no difference. Even if she wanted to be with me, it made no difference. Even if she wanted to die in my arms, it made no difference. I didn't want to be with her. I didn't want her to die in my arms. I didn't want anything from her. I didn't want to see her again. I didn't want anything to do with her.<br><br>I told her all this. I told her that she was lying. That she was a pathological liar. That I didn't believe a word she was saying. I told her that even if she was telling the truth, it made no difference. I didn't want to be with her. I didn't want her to die in my arms. I told her that I didn't want to see her again. That I wanted nothing to do with her. I told her that I wished her well. That I hoped she would get better. That I would always love her. That I would never forget her. That she was the love of my life and I would always cherish the memory of her. But that I didn't want anything to do with her. I then turned around and walked away. She started wailing behind me. I ignored it. I walked out of the door and never looked back. I will never see her again. I will never talk to her again. I will never want anything to do with her again.<br><br>&#x200B;