shitpost

okay, so the first time I said to my boyfriend, “I’m not being mean; I’m just being honest,” he looked at me and said, “Oh, so you don’t see any difference?”<br><br>I said, “No.”<br><br>He said, “Well, being honest is telling the truth, and being mean is not caring how you tell it!”<br><br>I said, “Well, I’m just being honest, not being mean.”<br><br>He said, “Okay, then tell me I’m good looking.”<br><br>I said, “Okay. You’re as good looking as you will ever be.”<br><br>Then he asked me if I had a dress for the forthcoming party. I said to him, “I own an evening dress. It’s black. I wear it to funerals, weddings, and occasionally when I’m invited out to dinner. I was content being a housewife and didn’t need to dress up for anything. I have few accessories, aside from a wedding ring, a wristwatch, and pearl necklace my husband gave me. I have a drew full of socks, undergarments, a few blouses, two skirts, and a pair of slacks. Don’t expect me to change who I am for you, because, darling, I am not looking for a change.”<br><br>He asked me how I managed to look good after having four kids. I said, “I may look good, but I feel tired most of the time.”<br><br>He said, “Don’t you ever get bored talking to your husband?”<br><br>I said, “Actually, it’s nice to finally talk to someone who can answer orders.”<br><br>He asked if I watch porn. I said, “No, I watch Discovery.”<br><br>When we went to eat, I noticed he kept checking his mobile phone. I said to him, “Put it on silent mode. We’re dining.”<br><br>He said, “I will, if you stop checking your wristwatch.”<br><br>I said, “I’m not checking my wristwatch; I’m admiring my husband’s gift.”<br><br>He asked, “How do you feel about oral and anal?”<br><br>I said, “I don’t do either. And I suppose you do?”<br><br>He said, “Oral? Yeah.”<br><br>I said, “Then you can’t kiss me. You’d just be trying to taste yourself.”<br><br>He said, “I didn’t know you were my type.”<br><br>I said, “I didn’t know I was looking for your type.”<br><br>He asked, “Shall we go somewhere for coffee?”<br><br>I said, “I’m sorry. I don’t go anywhere with married men—I hate myself in the morning.”<br><br>He said, “I’m not married.”<br><br>I said, “Then your mother should know better.”<br><br>He asked, “Want to go to my place?”<br><br>I said, “I don’t think your mother would like that.”<br><br>He asked, “Will you sleep with me?”<br><br>I said, “Sorry. I’m looking for a man.”<br><br>All through the meal I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful my husband’s ring looked on my finger. It was like there was a ring of fire around me. It didn’t take long for him to realize I wasn’t going to go for it, so he asked for the bill, paid, and said, “Let’s go somewhere and have some real fun.”<br><br>I said, “Okay, but first let me go wash my hands.”<br><br>He said, “How long will you be? I haven’t got all day.”<br><br>I said, “Don’t worry. I wont be that long. I just need to stop by the house, pick up some vibrators, and then we can go to the cemetery. That always turns me on.”<br><br>He got a disgusted look on his face and said, “You sick bitch!” and walked away.<br><br>I paid for my food, got my change, and then realized I had left my purse at home. So I had to wash dishes until they let me go.