Almost relapsed

I have been away from x for almost 15 days. It is a miracle. I didn't even enjoy my previous use. I took a bunch of gummies that I thought would never kick in and then I took some more. I had to tell a bunch of people to do me a solid and come to my place because I was way too high to be out and about. I was paranoid and thought I might be a zombie. <br><br>I finally made it home and I had some x pills I forgot about. I was too paranoid to fall asleep so I took a half and the gummies finally wore off but I was still high. My old dealer topped me off and I got home and I thought my neighbors were outside and my roommates were hating on me. I decided to take some more x but I figured I should be responsible and not drink any more. So I took an entire pill by myself. I got the most amazing sleep and I got up and went to class and I was back to normal. <br><br>I thought, wow, I can control my addiction and use x to my advantage. I realized that if I had not taken the x, I would have probably had a way worse time. Oh well. I was thinking, this is my first time getting back to x and it was fine, nothing happened. <br><br>This all happened about two days before Christmas break and I thought, wow I am going to get a good amount of time to not think about it. It is a miracle I am not relapsing. <br><br>Well, now I am in a not so good mental state. I am probably depressed. I had a huge crush on a girl and we are friends. She invited me to go on a trip and I was like, wow, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. I am in love with her and I can spend some quality time with her. <br><br>I was in a good mood and then I found out she isn't able to go on the trip anymore. I thought, this is the job I get for all of my hard work, trying over and over again, being in and out of jail, doing all of the legwork, getting into debt, trying to make money, etc. for nothing. <br><br>I thought, fuck it. What does it even matter. I am in debt and I have the means, I am going to have a banger of a time. <br><br>Now my mind is a mess. I thought about dropping out of school and using all of my student loans on x. I thought about taking a semester off and going on a trip to spend some quality time with myself. I thought about getting a new job and quickly saving money and buying a bunch of Coke to drink while I "do some business." <br><br>I thought about the "mental health days" I spent high on drugs. My teachers were like, "make sure you get enough sleep." And my parents were like, "we know you don't sleep enough." <br><br>I thought, fuck it. What does it even matter. I have no "mental health" and I am not taking a trip for my self. I am going to buy some x and I'm going to use it to my advantage. I am not going to drink and I am going to do my work. I thought, fuck it. Maybe I will drink. I thought, fuck it. Maybe I will drink and take more x than I can handle. <br><br>I thought to myself, "I am going to take a shit load of drugs." I had a good idea. I am going to take a shit load of drugs, fuck, and sleep, in that order. I thought, I am going to take a shit load of drugs, fuck, and sleep, in that order. <br><br>I was doing some deep reflection and I thought, I am a nobody. I was thinking, I am a nobody. When my friends and I talk about their partners, they talk about all of the good stuff they have done for each other. I was like, fuck it. <br><br>I thought, what is wrong with me? I thought, what is wrong with me. I thought, fuck it. I am going to take a shit load of drugs. I thought, fuck it, I am going to die. I thought, fuck it I am going to relapse. <br><br>I thought to myself, "I am going to relapse." I thought to myself, "I am not going to relapse until later." I thought to myself, "I am not going to relapse." I thought to myself, "I am going to die." I thought to myself, "I am not going to die." <br><br>I thought to myself, "I am not a nobody. I have a girlfriend and she is the most wonderful person in the world. I am not going to relapse," I thought. <br><br>I thought, what's the worst that could happen? I thought, fuck it. <br><br>I thought, why is this so hard? I thought, this is so hard. I thought, fuck it. <br><br>I thought, what did I do to deserve this? I thought, I did nothing to deserve this. I thought, fuck it. <br><br>I finally had the courage to put my phone away and put Netflix away. I started doing the work that I put off for months. I thought, fuck it. I thought, fuck it. I thought, fuck it. <br><br>I didn't relapse. Thank fucking God. As you can see, I am a mess. But I'm alive. I am a nobody and I will probably relapse but I'm not going to. Fuck it.