I hate my kids

18F, I have 2 boys and 1 girl. I had my first at 16 and my husband knocked me up again when our baby was only 4 months old. He’s 2 now and his sissy is now one. I was in school, I had a scholarship and a dream. I got a degree my parents could be proud of. My husband, my wonderful husband, he married me and he took care of my babies. Of course I do too, I’m the one milking the cows and feeding the children and cooking and cleaning and scrubbing and baby wearing and breastfeeding and pumping and running and after it all I take the children to bed and I look at my wonderfully understanding husband and I feel empty. I do everything and he tries to help and he takes the kids sometimes but even with his help I feel like a zombie. A mother-bear. I love him and I don’t want to break down with another baby but he doesn’t get it. He’s almost twice as old as me and he grew up in a time when women were married off at my age and popping out babies by 20. He obliterated my confidence as I struggled through the pressures of college and motherhood. Now he tells me he wants more. I work my ass off for this family and we go on nice vacations and have nice cars. I bought him a house, I took on a job I don’t even like and he tells me I’m a great mom. But when he says another he says it like it’s a reward. For me. Because I did such a good job raising 2 boys and my baby girl. He doesn’t understand what motherhood is like, just the idea of it.<br><br>I grew up with 3 brothers. I played baseball and stole my dad’s lighter to smoke in the boys locker room. My whole life I dreamed of becoming a great lawyer. I was going to change the world. I was on my way, and then I had a baby. My life changed. I don’t care for my kids like I should. I love them because my mom said I would, and she was right. But I hate how much I resent them. I hate how I often wish I could just die because the pressure is so overwhelming. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate that I can’t leave my husband. I hate that I’m just a robot, a machine. But most of all, I hate that I resent my children.<br><br>EDIT: Apparently this has been posted before. Apologies.