I spoiled my own 30th birthday.

So some backstory: I don’t ever go out. I dont know why. I’m afraid I guess. I don’t like how people look at me and I’m afraid of intimacy. I’ve just come to realize I’m severely introverted and the thought of having someone over or going out to social events just makes me want to cry. I’m so overwhelmed by the thought of interacting with people. So I just don’t do it. <br><br><br>I used to have a lot of friends in college but that was plenty weird for me and I did still spend most of my time alone. After I graduated, I moved away and my friends didn’t. We’re still on really good terms but I’m so busy with work and I’m in a different state so I just don’t have the time or want to go back and see them often enough to warrant a friendship. <br><br><br>Anyway, I’m 30 now. No friends and I’m the only person in my life that I can count on. I don’t mind it but sometimes it feels so lonely and I would kill to be able to socialize with others. <br><br><br>So all I wanted for my birthday was for someone to talk to. To hear my voice. To hear someone respond and have a conversation with. I’m a little overweight and for me it’s just easier to stay home. I’ve never been in a relationship but I really wanted to share this with someone special. <br><br><br>I settled on going to the movies. I didn’t feel like anyone would talk to me at the bar and I still wanted to go out. I’m so excited and I’m literally shaking and pacing back and forth. I put on my glasses, brush my hair, change my clothes, and get my stuff together. <br><br><br>I walk in and the concession guy says hi. I don’t say anything back. I dont know why. I’m so nervous and I feel all the anxiety come crashing down. I want to cry. I’m already afraid of social interactions so why is this happening? I’m trying so hard to make new friends. <br><br><br>I get popcorn and a soda, it’s so hard, I’m panicking because I have to talk to him. I get to the ticket desk and the lady is so friendly and she wishes me a happy birthday and again, I say nothing back. I just pay and get my ticket. <br><br><br>I go in and watch the movie. I’m sitting there crying during the happy parts. I dont know why. I cry a lot. I feel really stupid right now. I dont know what to do. It’s so hard to hold a conversation. I get so anxious every time I have to interact with people. I feel like I’m letting myself down. I’m letting my life pass me by. I just want someone to talk to. <br><br><br>I’m not going out anymore tonight. I’m going home.