I'm actually going to fail my PhD

I was actually hoping to be the PhD student who works efficiently during the day, takes weekends off, and does whatever they wanted to. It didn't turn out that way. <br><br>I started my PhD in 2020. <br><br>At the beginning, I worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I worked endlessly without taking any off days, thinking I could handle it. My mental health hit rock bottom. I lost 17 pounds from stress, and my blood work showed several stress-related liver abnormalities. My university literally forced me to take a break, and I honestly didn't feel the need for it at the time. I worked at this pace for about 12 months, and my health was in shambles.<br><br>I then worked normal full-time hours. 5 days a week, 40 hours a week. It took 1 month for me to realize I was doing worse than before. I then slept all day, skipped work, went on holidays, and had a great time. I worked 10 hours a week and had an amazing time and I loved it. I worked at this pace for 1 month.<br><br>I then worked 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. That didn't work for me either. I then worked 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. I worked on those 3 days and slept for the other 4. That didn't work for me either. I then worked 2 hours a day, 6 days a week. I worked at this pace for 6 months. <br><br>My life was in shambles. I had no money. I had no friends. I had no work. I never left my apartment. I went to a therapist. I took mental health days at random. I was a complete failure. When I was supposed to have 3 papers published, I didn't even make it past the ethics board (which I needed to even get human participants for my data collection). I had a huge lack of motivation and could barely drag myself out of bed. It was the lowest point of my life.<br><br>I decided to change my environment. I moved to a new city. I got a new office. I hired a coach to help me with my mental health and motivation. I worked hard. I worked smarter. I worked on my mental health. I worked on my motivation. I worked on my time management. I worked on my job management. I worked on taking breaks. I worked on taking time off. I worked on eating properly. I worked on sleeping properly. I worked on my relationships. I worked on my finances. I worked on my apartment. I took care of myself and started loving myself. <br><br>And, even after all of that, I still suck. I have a terrible work ethic. I'm terrible at my job. My motivation has been in the toilet. I'm a failure. I just don't care much about my PhD anymore. I much rather do anything else. I do know I'm not lazy. I worked endlessly during my undergrad and my Masters, I worked two jobs, I tutored, I went to graduate school full-time, and I worked full-time. My Masters took me 4 years to finish because I worked 2 full-time jobs during my Masters. <br><br>The problem isn't that I'm lazy, it's that I much rather be doing anything else. I do know I'm not burnt out. I actually loved my work. It's much rather that I hate my life. I hate my city, I hate my office, I hate my environment. I'm just tired and I hate everything. <br><br>I've applied for jobs. I applied for over 100 jobs. I had 2 interviews and was rejected for both. I actually loved those interviews. It much rather felt like I was talking to my therapist than applying for a job. It was amazing. <br><br>I actually really do hate my PhD and I actually much rather do anything else. I don't have any motivation at all. My mental health is at its best in years because of the help from my coach. My life is perfect. I actually like my life, I just don't like my job. I'm actually quite content with failing my PhD. I've been angry, sad, and depressed, but I'm now content. I've done everything to succeed, and I've done everything to help myself, but I've done nothing to help my PhD. I've done everything in my power to succeed, and I've failed at every attempt. It's OK. <br><br>I'm going to be in the small minority that actually fails their PhD. It sucks, but I don't actually mind that much.