I can swallow my entire fist, and it’s killing me

It started off as maybe the strangest, coolest thing that ever happened to me. I was bored, sitting in my car, waiting for my girlfriend to get out of the bathroom. I was fiddling with my fingers to pass the time. I had always been double jointed; I could bend my fingers far enough in to where my fingertips practically touched my wrist. My friends were envious of my contortionist skills and we even had a few drinking games surrounding them.<br><br>I was sitting in the passenger seat, fiddling with my fingers, when I discovered it. After a long night of drinking, I was able to push my pinky finger into my mouth and swallow it whole. I didn’t even have to wiggle it or force it either, it just went in, like it was meant to be that way. I again, was just fiddling with my fingers; didn’t think that I’d be able to shove one of my digits into my mouth. Naturally, it hurt like all hell when the finger started pushing against the roof of my mouth, inching towards the back of my throat. It even made me gag a little, like I was about to throw up. But the pain went through me fast, and I didn’t really feel a thing when it slipped past my teeth. I could feel it making it’s way down my throat, but it didn’t hurt anymore.<br><br>I didn’t want to swallow it, I didn’t want to think about what it would be like to actually be digesting my own finger. But in a sick way, it felt nice. I didn’t stop until I couldn’t anymore; I had to stop at my knuckle. I didn’t know what to make of what I had just done, or what to do. I didn’t yank my hand out of my mouth out of fear of ripping my gums, so I slowly pulled it back out.<br><br>I didn’t believe what I had done, so after a few seconds of contemplating my life choices, I decided to try it with the other fingers on my right hand. It was just as easy for all of them, the same amount of pain and the same disgusting feeling all over again. I was starting to feel nauseous, so I decided to stop for a while. I can’t lie, it was weirdly fun too.<br><br>When the weird feeling subsided a little, I tried again. This time I tried my left hand. It didn’t come as a shock to me that this too, was just as easy as the first few times. I didn’t stop with just my fingers, however. I had to know how much of my hand I could fit in my mouth. I didn’t know why; I just felt like I had to know at that point. And I was no longer doing it for fun; I no longer enjoyed it. I had to do it. So I did.<br><br>I can fit all of my fingers down to my wrist. It’s in at an angle, and hurts the most when I force my wrist in. It takes time, but I can fit my entire hand in my mouth. I didn’t know what to think of myself; it was just so damn fun. I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to bite my fingers off or anything. I just wanted to shove my hand into my mouth. And it was so much goddamn fun. But I didn’t want to tell anyone. I felt so ashamed; I felt so inhuman. Would anyone else ever be able to understand me? Or would they think I was crazy? I was cheating on my girlfriend by swallow my hand; it felt that way, at least.<br><br>My parents know about my hand. I didn’t tell them, they found out. They didn’t want to believe me when I denied ever doing it. I tried to convince them that I was just messing with them, something I usually do to get a reaction out of them. They didn’t buy it, and I could tell they didn’t believe me. My mom had her hands over her mouth, covering tears; my dad just looked at me, like he was staring at a ghost. My older brother, who was going to school to be a dentist, was the only one who wasn’t appalled by it. He actually thought it was pretty cool. He didn’t understand that there was something wrong with me. It didn’t make sense that I could do something like this.<br><br>I stopped doing it after that. I realized I didn’t have to do it. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to be a freak. But then the nightmares started. The nightmares of my hand choking me to death; the nightmares of what it would be like if I bit off my fingers. I woke up writhing in pain a few nights in a row. Every night I had terrible nightmares of choking; choking on my fingers, choking on food, choking on my own breath. I couldn’t get these images out of my head. They haunted me. I could feel myself suffocating in my sleep. Would I ever be able to escape them?<br><br>The nightmares stopped when I started doing it again. It still hurt every time, but it didn’t feel as strange to me anymore. It didn’t even feel weird, it felt normal. My parents were appalled after they found out I was cheating on my girlfriend by swallowing my hand. I wanted to tell them the truth, but I didn’t dare.<br><br>I can fit my hand all the way into my mouth. I don’t do it as much anymore; I do it in public sometimes, just to see the looks on people’s faces when they walk by me. Usually I only fit my pinky, but other times I’ll shove my fist all the way in. I didn’t want to tell anybody about this, I didn’t want to seem insane. I didn’t want anyone to know. And no, I’m not okay. Yes, it’s killing me.