I believe my SIL killed her children

I am paralyzed with fear as I write this. I am aibt to throw away my phone and laptop as I write this. I am so terrified that I can’t even give myself a pseudonym. I have too many people I love and who are important to me who know my Chambers name. I need to state this in advance: I do not want this to be true. I do not want this to be me or my family’s reality. I wish with all my heart that I was wrong. I wish this was all in my head. I am simply trying to state facts as I have witnessed them.<br><br>My SIL went to the hospital two days ago due to a fever. She was rushed into emergency surgery. I don’t know the final diagnosis yet, but it’s looking pretty bleak. I have been told by multiple people that it looks like a perforated bowel due to cancer that‘s spread. I have been told that‘s not an official diagnosis, but that it could be as bad as stage 4. She is currently in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator. Her husband (my BIL) is a wreck and the rest of the family is in an uproar.<br><br>I am terrified of saying this out loud. I am terrified of thinking this. I am terrified that if I am wrong, my accuations will haunt me forever. I am terrified of losing my family. I am terrified of what will happen if I am right.<br><br>Twice now, SIL has had a stillbirth. It’s been… years, and I honestly can’t remember the exact timeline. I believe it was sometime between 2015 and 2018 that she had her first miscarriage. It shook the whole family. She and BIL were unknown to be trying for kids, but she had only known she was pregnant for a couple of weeks. She was maybe only 11 weeks along. I don’t know the exact details, but I was told by multiple people (including BIL himself) that she had an infection. They had to do a D&C due to a retained placenta. She and BIL were devastated. There was apparently a lot of blame going around.<br><br>That same year she got pregnant again. She didn’t tell anyone until she was almost 5 months along. They announced it a month later. She went into labor a month before her due date and gave birth to a stillborn baby. I don’t know the exact details except it was another placental abruption. Apparently there was an infection, issues with the umbilical cord, and I was told there was a drug interaction with her medicine that caused it.<br><br>Here is where it gets weird. I don’t know the exact timeline, but apparently there were two autopsies done. The first one came back as unknown cause of death. BIL and SIL were pissed and demanded another autopsy. The final autopsy came back as placental abruption due to drug misuse. Drug misuse was listed as the cause of death in the death certificate. I only know this because BIL told me. I don’t know how he got the information, but he told me. I was flabbergasted. I asked him what he meant by drug misuse. He told me that SIL was taking some street drugs and mixing it with her prescription medication for an autoimmune disease she has. I am not going to list what the drug is; let’s just say it is not the first drug you would think of and it is not any opioid. I was floored. I asked if he meant SIL was using it for her disease or recreationally. He told me that he wasn’t totally sure but he thinks it was a bit of both. I was stunned. I asked why no one else knew. He said that he and SIL agreed not to tell anyone because she was already getting a lot of blame for the death. I was grateful that he trusted me, and I also felt like I had been punched in the face. I was so confused and heartbroken and just… I was so shaken and upset. <br><br>Fast forward a couple of years. SIL and BIL start trying again. They were trying for almost two years before SIL got pregnant again. She was over the moon. She announced it almost immediately. She and BIL didn’t tell anyone how far along she was. They simply stated that they would make an official announcement when she hit 16 weeks. I wasn’t necessarily alarmed by this. I figured they were being superstitious and simply not wanting to jinx anything. She and BIL were making jokes about how they were going to have a gender reveal party after the first trimester was over. I wasn’t really paying much attention. I was simply happy they were so happy. <br><br>That was until BIL told me the truth. SIL wasn’t 3 months along. She was 6 months along. He told me that she was already having Braxton Hicks and that her tummy was already showing a bit. I was floored. I asked him why they were lying about how far along she was. He told me that the doctors were calling her pregnancy high risk due to the drug interaction from her last pregnancy. The doctors were worried there would be a repeat of the last pregnancy. The doctors wanted her to keep a low profile and keep her pregnancy private. I asked why they didn’t simply announce she was high risk and keep some things private while still being transparent about the pregnancy. He told me that SIL was the one who wanted to keep things quiet. I asked him why he was telling me the truth. He said that he and SIL had a fight over this. BIL wanted to be more transparent. SIL did not. He was telling me because he felt he could trust me. He thought maybe a woman’s perspective would help. I told him I would ponder and discuss it with my husband. I asked him if he could tell me anything else about the pregnancy. He told me that SIL was having a lot of issues with Braxton Hicks and she had some spotting. I pressed him for more details and he wouldn’t tell me anything else. I was worried but figured there was nothing I could do about it.<br><br>A month later SIL and BIL were making more jokes about the gender reveal party. Except this time, there was apparently a problem. BIL’s work had a get-together for all the remote workers once a month. The last meeting was at SIL and BIL’s house. A few days before the event, I got a call from BIL asking me if I could help SIL get the house ready. I was a bit confused and asked why. He told me that SIL was in the hospital and they didn’t know if she would be back in time. Apparently a few days before, SIL had gone into labor at almost 7 months along. She was in the hospital and they were trying to delay her labor. I offered to cancel the remote meeting and he said no. I offered to help SIL’s sisters with the house and he said yes. The remote meeting went well. It was the first time in almost 2 years and apparently everyone was very happy to socialize. I only learned all this last night from my cousin.<br><br>SIL was in the hospital for a week before giving birth almost a month early. She and BIL made an announcement on FB the day after she gave birth. They stated that their child was born stillborn and they would be holding a private funeral. I was stunned. I called BIL and he didn’t answer. He called back a few hours later and said he and SIL wanted to be alone. He said that the funeral was only for the immediate family and that he and SIL needed some time before seeing the extended family. I was heartbroken. I told him I understood and that if he and SIL needed anything, I was there. <br><br>I am so terrified. What if she did it again? What if she killed her child again? That thought will not leave me alone. What if she kills herself? What if I lose more than one person? I haven’t slept in two days. I have been wracking my brain and going over every detail in my head. I am going crazy. I have to talk to someone about this and I have no one. I simply don’t know what to believe or do. I am paralyzed with indecision and grief.