I can't imagine myself ever being able to consent to sex. Giving up my autonomy like that scares me too much.

My sperm donor father would not just beat me for years, but he would also deadname me, threaten to sexually assault me, would even call me a whore for wearing certain clothes just because. <br><br>I have a lot of sexual kinks, but I'm terrified of intimacy. Like, I know logically I'm an adult now and I can make my own choices, but even the thought of having sex or doing sexual activities with someone in real life just makes me stop breathing. It might be because I have FND and overreact to stress.<br><br>To be honest, I'm just terrified of intimacy because I don't wanna give up my autonomy. I can't tell what my boundaries are, because my ex family was really good at making me feel guilty. They convinced me I was the problem for years, and I still have a hard time knowing what I am and am not comfortable with.<br><br>I'm working on myself, I'm in therapy to deal with this shit, but what do I do if I can't imagine myself ever giving consent to another person, even if I'm not in danger and they're being gentle with me?<br><br>Is it possible for kinks to be just that, and kinks only? Or am I lying to myself?