idk how to do this anymore

We had an argument last night. I said, what I thought was, an innocuous comment, and he went off. He started with sarcasm, and I called him on it. He moved to insults, and I told him to stop. He was going to keep going, so I got up and left. <br><br>I sat on the deck, chain smoking, trying to come to a decision. <br><br>This is so hard, on my heart, my self esteem, my wallet. <br><br>I know I can do this by myself. I was for a quite awhile, I got really good at it. I still have all the skills needed to live on my own. <br><br>But every time I really start to think about it, I just can't. Making that decision is so hard. All I can think about is how I'm going to hurt my kids, and how in the world am I going to make it. <br><br>He doesn't deserve any of this. He doesn't deserve me. <br><br>I really want to leave. But I just can't seem to do it. <br><br>He's so mean to me. He's not nice in return. He just straight up is an asshole to me. All the time. <br><br>I hate it. I hate him. <br><br>But damn it, why does he have to look so good to me? <br><br>He's so sexy to me. He's so hot, and he always has been. It's all I can think about when I look at him. What will he look like with his shirt off, or how does his skin look in the sun? <br><br>He's just so hot. And I know he knows it. He knows that I know it too. He knows I love him. He knows he wins. He'll always win.