I'm a court mandated addict, the system is keeping me high.

I was coerced into admitting guilt to a charge I had no idea I was going to be charged with, they had no information about it, whatsoever. I was young at the time, and I was scared. I figured the quicker I got through the process, the less of my life it would ruin. I didn't even know what I was being charged with. I was told I'd be getting an inpatient treatment program, which was great, I didn't even know there were programs like that, I thought I was going to jail. <br><br>I left the courtroom, and the man in the suit told me I'd probably be going into treatment in a week or two. He never said the name of the treatment program, I was too ignorant to ask, I had no idea where I was going, I was 17. I've never done anything like this before. There was 3 months of probation before I went in, which I rarely kept in touch with them, because I didn't have a phone at the time. I was told I wouldn't be expelled from school if I did the treatment, I'd be okay. <br><br>I get to the treatment center, and I'm screened, and they see I had some drugs in my system. They say, "You are not going on Monday, you're going on Friday, and you're going into detox, instead." I'm a little agitated, but they say they can't help that, it's policy. I'm an addict, of course I used drugs, that's how I ended up here, right? I get to the detox, and they inform me the program is 10 days, and the second half will be in a hospital, not here. So I'm in a medical detox for 5 days, and I get transferred, and I have to wait 2 days for my screening, and it's another 7 day detox. I get out of that, and I'm going to treatment, finally. Then, they make me take another screening, and I'm going into another 3 day detox. I've had 3 detoxes, with breaks in between, and I finally make it to the program I was sent here for. I've never done anything like this before, I'm supposed to be learning how to not use drugs, and they've had me detoxing for 2 weeks, and I've still got 70 days left of treatment.<br><br>I'm going into groups, trying to focus on getting clean, and the people at the program are very negative. They want to go home, not here. At times, I feel like I've been tricked. I didn't even know this was a drug treatment facility, I thought it was an inpatient addiction treatment program. I've never had court mandated intervention before, it was not what I expected. They make me take Benzobuddies, which I've never heard of, and I'm still detoxing from all these detoxes. I finally get through the program, and I'm sent to a transitional house. Which is a joke. All anyone does is try to get clean drugs, nobody talks about their addictions, and there's cigarettes, cellphones, and drugs allowed, as long as you don't get caught. I get kicked out, and I'm still high. Still an addict, still with court mandated 6 months of treatment, and still with no clean detoxes. <br><br>I've been shooting my whole life, I went to methadone, and then I went to clinic. I'm still waiting on a spot to open, and it's been 3 months, and I still haven't gotten clean. I've never had a clean detox, I'm starting to think it doesn't exist. When I got sent to treatment, I was taking 120mg of methadone a day, and I got inpatient treatment, and they gave me 30mg of methadone a day, for a week. A taper is 3 weeks, I was 3 times the dosage they prescribed, and then they just cold turkeyed me. I've had 3 methadone tapers, not one of them have I followed through with the full prescribed amount, and all of them have been interrupted by having to go somewhere else. I've never had a clean detox, I've never fully tapered, I've never done it right. I've been giving oral swabs, and I still test positive for everything. <br><br>I'm going to buy the drugs I need for tonight, and tomorrow, I'll worry about. I've been an addict for 10 years, I've been in treatment for 2 years. I still haven't learned to be sober. I've never been to one rehab, and then, I'm clean. I've never learned to stay sober. I've never had a doctor that I trust, except my therapist, but she can't prescribe my medication. I know she wants me to be clean, and she'll do anything to help me. But I'm systemically alone, I don't trust my treatment team. I don't trust my doctors. I don't trust my program. I'm scared, because they say my health is declining. I don't care about my health, because I'm not clean, and I don't want to be alive. I'm an addict, and that's all I am. I've been doing this for 10 years, and I'm not clean, I've got no hope, and no future. This is who I am, and it will be the death of me.<br><br>Edit:<br><br>Wow, thank you so much for all the support, and the advice. I've been overwhelmed with all the comments, and the DMs, and I'm going to learn to forgive myself, and be more positive, and hopeful. I'm looking into the community programs, and I'm going to stay positive, and work through this. Thanks again, and blessings!