A baby is not a relationship repair tool

This is not the baby I wanted, I wanted a baby with the man I married, not the baby of the man who cheated on me. I wanted a baby at a time when our relationship was strong and we could enjoy the baby together. Not the baby of a man who cheated on me, cheated on a woman who just had a miscarriage, and whose relationship with me is feeling like quicksand. Every time I try to move closer to him, he moves further away. I am writing this two hours after finding out I am pregnant. I can't yet imagine a future with this baby, I can't yet tell if I am disappointed or happy. In fact, I am in no mindset to have a baby. I don't trust him to be my partner through this. How can I have faith that he will be honest with me, and that he won't leave a trail of carnage, of women who can't have babies, or babies he has hurt? How can I rely on him to be the best dad he can be, when he hasn't been a good partner? How can I trust him to be the rock, the person to lean on, when I am struggling? I cannot see myself in a relationship with him in the near future, but I am probably going to have this baby. So if I am going to be a mom, I am going to throw myself into that. I will be the best mother I can be, I will be the most honest and loyal and compassionate person I can be, and I will break the cycle of narcissism that has plagued my family for generations. This baby is part of that cycle-breaking, and this baby is my future. <br><br><br><br>Update: I am glad many of you are not taking the title out of context, this was not a pregnancy trap or a trap of any kind. I was on birth control and we were going to try again in a year, but the universe had other plans. He was okay with it, and he also thought that we should be in a better place in our relationship before we have kids. I just looked at the memes and that's pretty much all I feel- that this is the joke delivery of my life. <br><br>I will be getting a paternity test because of his positive test result last year. <br><br>I am sorry I did not make it a TL;DR, and I am thankful for all of the attention, feedback, advice, and support. I have never been so touched by the kindness of strangers.