I'm jealous of you who have friends.

I'm 33 and I've never had a friend in my entire life. <br><br>My sister was born with a intellectual disability. She is legally retarded and people generally tend to avoid us when they learn about her. She is legally retarded but she is not like the retard you see in movies. You cannot tell she is retarded just by looking at her and she is not violent. She is just different. She talks a little different and acts a little different. So you don't understand why she talks a little different or why she does the things she does until you learn about her condition. She is not capable of taking care of herself so my parents have to take care of her. So much of our family time had to be centered around my sister. We never did anything as a family without my sister. We did not take her to the movies because she would scream at the noises. We did not go to the beach or camping because she would not be able to handle it. We never went to the zoo because she would throw a temper tantrum. <br><br>My parents spent all of their time and money on her. So I was basically on my own my whole life. The one and only thing my parents ever did for me was pay for college. <br><br>Because my parents spent their time and money on my sister, I had to take care of myself. I learned how to do everything on my own. <br><br>I'm not saying I was some child prodigy or something. I am just saying there is something psychologically and emotionally damaging when you are left to take care of yourself your whole life. I just had to figure everything out on my own. Even though I take care of myself, a part of me has been damaged beyond repair. I feel empty inside. I feel like I am missing something important. I feel like I missed out on something.<br><br>I have spent my whole life alone and I am alone now. So I know what it is like to be alone your whole life. I'm not stupid. Life is not like the movies or fairy tales. Sometimes people live their whole lives alone and end up dying alone. I know this.<br><br>But I still wish I had friends. I'm tired of being alone all of the time. Even though I know how to take care of myself, I still get really lonely and sometimes I don't want to take care of myself. I'm tired of doing everything alone. I'm tired of being alone at Christmas. I'm tired of being alone at Easter. I'm tired of being alone at my birthday. So I don't even celebrate my birthday anymore. I'm tired of going to the movies alone. I'm tired of going to the beach alone. I'm tired of going camping alone. I'm tired of eating alone. I'm tired of sleeping alone. I'm tired of waking up alone. <br><br>I'm tired of doing everything alone.<br><br>I am not some loser who plays video games all day. I am not some loser who watches tv all day. I am not some loser who sleeps all day. I am an upstanding citizen with a job, chores and responsibilities. I am not socially awkward. I am not shy. I am outgoing and I can communicate with people normally. I take care of myself. I brush my teeth. I take baths regularly. I Iron my clothes. I am not lazy. I work out regularly. I am not fat. I am respectful towards others. I know how to be polite.<br><br>I've had many jobs. I've gone on many dates. Every social interaction I have ever had has been temporary. As soon as I switch jobs or a girl finds out about my sister, they disappear. I'm not even allowed to talk about my sister. I'm not even allowed to tell people I had a sister. It's like my sister doesn't even exist. She is my flesh and blood but I'm not even allowed to mention her. <br><br>I've lived in several cities and states. I've tried to make friends and find a girlfriend in many different places. I was born in Chicago and whenever I go back to Chicago, It feels like home. I used to think if I moved back to Chicago, I would finally have a home and people I could call friends. It did not work that way. I've been back in Chicago for several years and I am still alone. I still do not have a friend or a girlfriend. Whenever I go out to a bar or some other social event, everyone is talking to each other. They are all old friends from high school, college, work, heaven forbid a real friend. I am the only person alone at the bar. I am the only person who is drinking alone. I'm not even allowed to talk about my sister. I'm not even allowed to tell people I had a sister. It's like my sister doesn't even exist. I am not allowed to mention her. So she is just an awkward secret that has to be kept hidden from the world. I do not know how to explain why I am alone at the bar drinking alone.<br><br>I've always felt like there was something wrong with me. I've always felt unlovable. I grew up alone. I am alone now. I will be alone when I die. But I don't understand why. I don't even know if there is a reason for my loneliness. Why was I born if I am going to be alone my whole life? What was the point of my life if I am always going to be alone? I don't even know if there is an answer to this question. I don't even know if anyone cares about my well being. I don't even know if anyone cares that I am lonely. I don't even know if I should care about my own loneliness. But at this point in my life, at the age of 33, I know I am not like you people. I have spent my whole life alone so I know what it is like to be alone your whole life. I am alone now and I will be alone for the rest of my life. <br><br>I am not stupid. I'm not naive. I'm not a child. I'm not young. I'm not romantic. I'm not some dreamer who thinks the world will magically change. I'm not a fool who thinks he can change the world. I know the world will not change for me. I know my life will not change. <br><br>So I am jealous of you people who have friends. Friends are a treasure. I do not know what it is like to have friends. I do not know what it is like to have someone you can call a friend. I do not know what it is like to have someone who cares about your well-being. I do not know what it is like to have someone who would show up to your funeral. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would check up on you. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would ask how you are doing. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would listen to you. I do not know what it is like to have a friend for life. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would help you through a crisis. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would do anything for you. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would help you move. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would help you set up your Cable and Internet. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would help you set up your furniture. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would lend you money if you are in a crisis. I do not know what it is like to borrow money from a friend. I do not know what it is like to lend money to a friend. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would help you when you are in a crisis. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would help you when you are vulnerable. I do not know what it is like to have a friend for life. I do not know what it is like to have a friend who would stand by your side no matter what. So I am jealous of you people who have friends. I am jealous you have someone you can call a friend. I am jealous you have a friend you can talk to. I am jealous you have a friend who will show up to your wedding. I am jealous you have a friend who would be a groomsman or a maid of honor at your wedding. I am jealous you have a friend who will stand by your side at your wedding. I am jealous you have a friend who will give a speech at your wedding. So I am jealous of you people who have friends. I wish I could call someone a friend. I wish I had someone I could talk to. I wish I had someone who cared about me. I wish I had someone who would show up to my funeral. I wish I had someone I could call a friend.