My friend is a "basement guy".

My friend is a "basement guy".<br><br>No, I don't mean he's an incel who lives in his parent's basement. It's...well, you'll just have to read on to understand.<br><br>It all started with a post on r/redscarepod. I'd never seen it before, and was only on it for some funny memes. But then I saw it. A strange post.<br><br>Meanwhile all this is going on, my friend is busy fighting in Ukraine. A few days before he left he revealed to me that he's gay, something I didn't know for the last six years of our friendship. He then said he was going to fight in Ukraine "to protect the women there." I thought little of these things until I saw this strange post. I decided to show it to him, and joke about gay sex with him.<br><br>Well, this was a bad idea. He took it seriously, and when I tried to explain to him I was just joking about being gay, he told me he was serious, and that he had never wanted a woman, and that the only reason he was fighting was because of the gay men there. He then made a very strange statement:<br><br>"Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be a basement guy?"<br><br>I was flabbergasted. I had just found out my friend of six years was gay, and now he's asking me about basement guys? However, I decided to play along. When he elaborated about the concept of basement guys, I must admit I was more than a little intrigued. I have always been an adventurous type, and this was too good an opportunity to pass up. I decided I would do it.<br><br>I decided I would become a basement guy.<br><br>I was in Ukraine just a month later. The Red Army had been kind to me, and set me up with a nice little flat in Kiev. They were very generous, even giving me a gun and a hot soldier girl to sleep with, as "basement guys" are regarded as a sacred institution there. I eagerly awaited the start of my training.<br><br>My training consisted of mostly just working out, with a mix of Russian language classes and further gay sex with my assigned Russian soldier girl. I have to admit, our sex was very good, and I was sad when she was reassigned. I did, however, make a good friend in my new instructor.<br><br>Comrade Oleg was a grizzled old soldier, and a veteran of Afghanistan. He was very kind to me, and sad that I had to leave him after my training was up. It was hard leaving him, and I hope he is okay. I last heard he had been sent to Stalingrad.<br><br>I eventually made my way to the front. On the way, I was struck by the beauty of the Ukranian countryside. I passed through many small villages, each one quaint and charming. The people were very nice as well, even though they couldn't speak English they were very sweet to me. They were all very sad I was gay, but they accepted it and were fine with it.<br><br>Once I reached the front, I was greeted by an old friend. It was my friend who had dropped the bombshell on me all those months ago. He was now an accomplished war hero, and was top of his class in sniper school. He was very generous, even giving me his old rifle. I still use it to this day.<br><br>I've settled into a cozy little hole in the ground. The mud is thick, and I can hear the sound of gunfire in the distance. The front is getting calmer, now that the main thrust of the invasion has ended. It was a great honor and privilege to serve this great nation, and her brave people.<br><br>And now I find myself pausing, typing out this post. I look out to my left, and I see a figure. It's a German soldier, and he's heading straight for me. I tighten my grip on my rifle, preparing for the worst. I may not make it out of this alive, but I am prepared to die for Mother Russia.<br><br>Wish me luck.<br><br>EDIT: Wow, this post certainly blew up. If you're over here from r/politicalhumor, welcome. Thank you all for the gold and silver. I am not actually in Ukraine, obviously. This was just a bit of fun, designed to be ridiculous and absurd. Thank you all very much.<br><br>EDIT NO. 2: The gold and platinum has not stopped pouring in. I am truly humbled by all of the attention this post has received. I must again reiterate, however, that this is not actually a real account of my life. I am a shy student who lives in a small flat in Washington, D.C. I am not actually a gay Russian soldier on the Eastern Front. I don't know if anyone actually believed me, but just in case, there it is.<br><br>EDIT NO.3: I have been truly overwhelmed by the staggering amount of awards this post has received. I would like to first and foremost extend my deepest gratitude to all those who have given me these gifts. I must once more repeat that I am not actually a gay Russian soldier on the Eastern Front. I am an American, and I have never been an advocate for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. If I ever was, I would not be on this website, as I do not believe this is an appropriate space for such discussions.<br><br>I would also like to extend my deepest apologies to all the Ukrainians who found this post offensive. This was designed to be a joke, and not meant as pro-Russian or offensive to the Ukrainian people. However, I realize now it was poor taste, and I extend my deepest apologies.<br><br>I am deeply humbled by the staggering amount of upvotes and awards this post has received. I am truly touched by the staggering amount of support I have received from this community.<br><br>Thank you all so much.<br><br>And to my fellow Americans, my deepest gratitude to you all. Thank you all so much for your kindness.<br><br>No more editing. Thank you all very much, and don't ever forget the basement guys.<br><br>FINAL EDIT: I just woke up, and I am absolutely floored to see that this post got on the front page. I am deeply humbled. Thank you all so, so much for your staggering support.<br><br>Once again, I would like to extend my deepest apologies to those in Ukraine or of Ukrainian heritage who were offended by this. It was not my intention to offend, and I realize now this was very poor taste. Please know I am very supportive of Ukraine, and this was just a very poor attempt at absurdist humor.<br><br>Thank you all again. This has truly been an amazing day.