My (40m) ex (39f) invited herself to our family Christmas - we have a 14-year-old daughter.

When my daughter was three, my girlfriend of eight years (ex), the mother of my child, left me to start a new relationship with her boss. <br><br>We had a messy two years following the breakup, during which she promised our daughter she would come back to us and then didn't. My daughter was absolutely shattered by it and my ex didn't even show up to her fifth birthday party as she had promised. She barely showed up at all during that time, and I was left basically being a full time single parent.<br><br>When my daughter was five, my ex left her new relationship and said she wanted us back. I was angry because my daughter's birthday fiasco had been only eight months prior and I wanted nothing to do with her. I was finally at a point where I was happy on my own and raising my daughter the best I could.<br><br>I didn't know whether she would come and go again, so I made arrangements for her to be able to see our daughter in a third party environment with supervision. <br><br>Fast forward five years, and my ex kept making appearances, she would promised to show up to events and often didn't. I stopped informing my daughter of events my ex would be at because she would always come away so hurt and disappointed by her no-shows.<br><br>When my daughter turned 10, she started refusing to see my ex, saying she wasn't to be trusted and she didn't want to see her anymore. I supported her decision because I knew she was old enough to decide that for herself.<br><br>We didn't hear much from my ex for the next couple of years, but about a year ago she started messaging me and saying she wants to be involved again, she knows how much she hurt our daughter and she wants to make it up to her. <br><br>I said that the decision wasn't mine to make and if my daughter wanted to established a relationship with her, she would come to my ex on her own terms. <br><br>My daughter declined several times. She says she doesn't want to established a relationship with her mother because her mother has a track record of making promises she doesn't keep, and she doesn't want to get her hopes up again and be disappointed.<br><br>Christmas is coming up and my daughter and I are going to be spending it at my parents place as we always do. We both spend a lot of time at my parents place with my siblings and their kids as well. Our extended family basically treats my ex as she is - my daughter's mother and absolutely nothing more. <br><br>My ex knows this and she's on good terms with my parents (as they always said because my daughter came first and if you want to be in her life, you need to get along with us and respect our family). <br><br>My ex has just said she wants to come to Christmas at my parents and she's reminded me of established patterns all these years that she's always welcome. I said, of course she's always welcome as my daughter's mother, which is why she's always invited to birthday's and other important milestones for our daughter. I said she can't just invite herself to Christmas though, so she's going to have to talk to my daughter about it.<br><br>My daughter said no, absolutely not, and is really upset that her mother would do this. I can't fault her for that, my ex hasn't turned up to any significant events in six years and when she does make the effort, my daughter is punished for it.<br><br>I told my ex that my daughter said no, but instead of accepting it and shrinking away, she's now asking if her new partner and his kids can come with her and my daughter can watch herself the whole time as she understands it's not ideal, all she wants is to share Christmas with her daughter and family. She says if we say no, we are excluding her from her daughter's life.<br><br>What. The. Fuck.<br><br>Honestly, that might be the most ridiculous thing she has ever said to me. I can't believe she'd think this was reasonable, especially given she invited herself to Christmas with our daughter and my family. She doesn't even have any relationship with my family as my sister and brother both ended their relationship with her after she abandoned them.<br><br>If it were up to me, I would never want to speak to her again, but my daughter may grow up and hate me for it and she's always got to come first. She's in therapy to deal with the abandonment, but it's a long road. <br><br>What should I do, do I tell her to fuck off and if she gets upset, so be it, or do I keep allowing my daughter to set boundaries and established patterns only for her to basically say fuck you to everyone involved and just do whatever she wants?<br><br>EDIT: She's my daughter's legal parent and financially contributes to her upbringing.