Any other vets feel embarrassed or ashamed about the shit they did on xanax and sleep aids after the army?

I was a young 19-year-old when I deployed to the middle east. I came back with PTSD and an extreme fear of good sleep, and I went to the va doctor and they give me a pill for sleep. I thought that was all it was. I had no clue it was xanax. I was told to take one sleep aid and one xanax every night. I had no idea why I was taking two pills. I was so dumb. I remember there was a few nights when my mom called the hospital and she was like “he’s gonna die” and they’re like “no he’s fine.” I just had blackouts where I woke up in the hospital and had no idea when or why I got there. I remember my buddy came over and we had a beer and I was like “sure I can drive you home” and the next thing I know I’m putting him in a wheel chair at the er again. ? I was in such a daze and blackout like 10 years of my life and had no idea what I was doing. I had a kid and I don’t remember a lot of things about her childhood. I’m glad to be back on my feet, I’m back in college, I work a good job, and I’m on a better path, but I can’t stop thinking about this. The VA is fucked up and I wish I had never served for this bullshit reason. My life would be so much better now if I had never served in the military. I feel like a total fuck up and like I’m all messed up.