thats the last time I get high

I always said I could stop anytime I want, I could make it to work, I could do anything I made myself think, but that's not really true because I've spent the last several months overdoing it. If I get high I go too far, too often. I've lost my job, my girlfriend, my school, I'm about to lose my place of living and I still can't stop myself. I don't want to die like this, I don't want to be high anymore. I still care about my life, and my family. I've been clean before but I always go back to it. Every time I say "fuck it, life sucks anyway". <br><br>I've been sober for 3 days now, that might seem a lot to you but it feels like a fucking eternity for me. Thankfully I don't have any weed left and I'm waiting until tomorrow to buy groceries and I'm buying my weed too, because I need it to not feel bad. I still feel depression, anxiety and sadness. I actually feel happy when I'm high because I don't care about anything, but when I go back to being sober those feelings come back and they bother me a lot, but this time, I want to push myself. I don't want to go back to the state I was in, I want to fix my life, I want to be happy not high. I want to find out what I really want to do, to see what I made myself ignore. I always said I wanted to study and work but most of the time I didn't actually did it, because I chose to get high instead. I wasn't responsible enough for my own life, I made others take care of me. I still want to be high, but most of all, I want to be able to take care of myself. I want to be able to fix my mistakes, I want to be able to take care of myself and the people I actually love. I want to make sure I'm not lying to myself again, I want to be in control over my own life. I want to enjoy life itself, not weed.