I don't love my children. I hate them.

I'm a 35 year old woman with two kids. I never wanted them. I was forced into becoming a mother. And I always hated my children.<br><br>As you can probably tell. I wasn't ready to be a parent, and I never wanted to be one. I had hoped to become a teacher when I grew up, and I already had my degree in college, and was on my way to becoming a professor. But my ex-husband came along and ruined my plans. We got married young, and he always wanted kids with me. Even though I never wanted any. But I was stupid and weak at the time. And even though I made it clear to him that I didn't want kids, I think he just assumed I would change my mind once they were born.<br><br>Well, I never did.<br><br>When my first child was born. I was so angry. I was in tears and I hated myself and my husband for forcing me into motherhood. I couldn't even look at my child for weeks. And when I was forced to, I couldn't help but feel revulsion. I felt sick to my stomach, and I wanted her dead. I wanted her out of my sight.<br><br>And then her brother came along, a year later.<br><br>I hoped that my feelings would change, that I would finally feel love for my child. But I wasn't wired that way. I hated him even more than her. He was a small and sickly child, and he cried a lot. But I didn't care. I always hoped that he would die of Shaken Baby Syndrome or SIDS. It never happened, and I'm not glad it didn't.<br><br>When my husband cheated on me and left me for his mistress, I was actually in tears of joy. I was finally free from my miserable marriage. But when I realized that I would have to keep my kids, my joy turned to despair. I felt like I was being punished, like I was being handed a life sentence. I was angry at the world, angry at my ex-husband, angry at my stupid children. I hated everything, and everyone. I hated my kids more than anything.<br><br>I gave up on my dreams, I gave up on my hobbies. I gave up on life. And now I'm stuck in this miserable life, being a mother and a care taker. Something I never wanted.<br><br>I hate my children. I always have, I always will. And no, I am not going to get counseling. I am not going to try to make it work. I am not going to try to love them. I hate them, and I always will.