I'm afraid when will be the day i will break and fuck it all up

This is how i feel sometimes, it's like i have to crack a smile everyday, keep up a facade, shit when i'm actually alone, fuck it, i don't wanna keep it up, sometimes i fuck it up involuntary like i crack a joke in front of people and they don't like it, a joke that is harmless, but they don't like it, shit, i don't wanna be the joke of the party, i'm the one who's always in the corner, i don't wanna be that guy, still i crack jokes and then i'm like oh shit when are they gonna find out, when am i gonna fucking mess up and fuck it up, like i know i crack jokes for the fun, but maybe they don't like it, a joke i make to someone can be harmless to some people, and hurtful to others, it's like a minefield, sometimes i fuck up too when will be the time i won't be able to crack jokes anymore, when i will just completely fuck up, i don't wanna be the weirdo, the one who always fuck up, sometimes a guy can crack a joke and i'm cool with it, but sometimes it's too much, it's shit to when you are actually fucking happy, and then someone does something and immediately you aren't happy anymore, and you still have to crack a smile, and you're like, fuck i'm still happy, i won't let you ruin this moment, but i'm not happy, and i crack a smile still<br><br>shit, crack a smile, it's like way too much work still i crack jokes, still i try to find shit when it's not funny to me, still i crack a smile, even when i don't wanna crack a smile, i keep up the facade, when are they gonna find out, shit