I stopped doing things I enjoyed so I wouldn’t feel lonely

I’m a 26F who’s always been very lonely. I was bullied as a child and couldn’t find real friends when I was in school, and now I just feel like I don’t have the right “personality traits” to make friends.<br><br>In 6th grade, I realized I could get out of carpooling with a very mean bully if I joined the school band. I played my flute during band class, and I also did it during lunch, breakfast, and after school. I stopped doing it when I went to college because they made me feel so bad for being an amateur. I was actually really good at it (I taught myself when I was 10), and I really loved it. <br><br>I started doing karate when I was 15, and I really enjoyed it. I was also very good at it, and I was going to go for black belt when they kicked me out and called me “too fragile.” I don’t want to do it anymore because it reminds me of when they betrayed me.<br><br>When I was in college, I joined the climbing club and ended up going to competitions and holding records. I don’t do that anymore because I don’t have the money or a place to go to, and I just feel too anxious when I’m around other people.<br><br>I have to do gymnastics and Pilates for my disability, but I don’t like how anxious it makes me when I’m around other people. I’m just going to stop going and risk injuring myself.<br><br>I just really wish my parents had been there for me when I was bullied. I wish I had the opportunity to make friends and do the things I love without all this anxiety.