An angel of the lord appears to Joseph and says “what the fuck, dude?”

For context, read Matthew 2:13-23. There’s a part where Herod, the evil king of Jerusalem, is pissed off about Jesus so he sends out his army to kill every child in Bethlehem under 3 years old. <br><br>Anyway,<br><br>An angel of the Lord appears next to Joseph in a dream. But instead of the usual ‘do not be afraid’ line, this angel just rubs his temples. <br><br>“What the actual fuck, Joseph?” he says. <br><br>Joseph blinks. “Uh, what do you mean?” <br><br>The angel points at the baby Jesus, who’s sleeping in his manger. “What. Do. You. Mean. What. Do. I. Mean. This whole saga was your fault, you dumb shit.” <br><br>Joseph stammers. “I-I don’t understand.” <br><br>“Remember back in Nazareth? When you found out your wife-to-be was pregnant? And you were like ‘oh no, she must have fucked around on me’?” <br><br>Joseph nods. “I was going to divorce her quietly, as was my right.” <br><br>“Yeah, no.” The angel pinches the bridge of his nose. <br><br>Joseph leans forward. “What do you mean?” <br><br>“You could have tried talking with her, first. You could have tried asking why she was pregnant. That’s what a reasonable person would have done, instead of jumping straight to ‘divorce’.” <br><br>Joseph looks down, embarrassed. “I wasn’t thinking-“ <br><br>The angel doesn’t let him finish. “No, you fucking idiots never do. And I’m the one who has to come in and fix it for you, which is why I was like ‘hey buddy, it’s cool, she’s not actually unfaithful’.” <br><br>Joseph bristles. “Hey, it’s not my fault you didn’t explain things very well.” <br><br>“Oh, really? Then tell me, what did I say back in Nazareth.” <br><br>Joseph pauses. “Uh… something like ‘do not be afraid. This is a sign from God. A virgin will be born, and-‘” <br><br>“Exactly,” the angel interrupts. “I said a Virgin will be born. Not your virginal wife-to-be. She was never part of the equation. And if you’d talked with her, I wouldn’t have had to appear to you twice more, which I’m about to do right now.” <br><br>Joseph’s eyes widen. “I-I’m sorry-“ <br><br>The angel waves its hand and the entire room floods with light. “I have some good news and some bad news,” he says. “The good news is that your wife and baby are both healthy, and they will live long, happy lives.” <br><br>Joseph lets out a sigh of relief. “Thank God.” <br><br>The angel doesn’t acknowledge him. “The bad news is you have to wake up your baby and pack her up, right now, because you need to go to Egypt.” <br><br>Joseph blinks. “What? Why?” <br><br>“Herod is trying to kill every child in Bethlehem, and I doubt you’d be the first guy who can outsmart him.” <br><br>Joseph looks dejected. “Shit.” <br><br>The angel points towards the door. “Can I trust you to do this on your own, or do I need to hold your hand through the whole process?” <br><br>Joseph gets out of bed. “I think I can handle it.” <br><br>The angel nods. “Good. I’m tired.” <br><br>Then it disappears.