A Message from the Self-Defeat Hotline

One morning, as I lay in bed listening to the rain tap against the window, I realized that I was going to die. Like, truly realized it. Not just "oh yeah, I'm going to die at some point" or "I'm going to die if I keep eating all of this junk food" but more like "I am going to die no matter what, and it could be any second now."<br><br>I know, I know. I wasn't the first person to have that sort of revelation, and I certainly wasn't the last. But it was all so clear to me all of a sudden. The flashing thoughts of blood and bone and metal and screams kept playing through my head as I reached for my phone and typed out a text to my best friend, Sarah, who I considered the most responsible person I knew. <br><br>"Hey, I'm going to die. Impending doom on my mind. Do you think it would be weird if I called 911?"<br><br>She responded with, "Yeah, probably. But there's this thing that I think you'd be interested in. Google the Self-Defeat Hotline and give them a call."<br><br>That was it. That was all the text said. I sent her one back asking "what??", but she just sent me a ? in return.<br><br>Well, I’ll be damned. I was going to die, so there was no reason for me not to give this a call. <br><br>So I did.<br><br>A pleasant-sounding woman with what sounded like a Jamaican accent answered my call. "Hello, Self-Defeat Hotline. How may I help you today?" I cleared my throat and introduced myself, explaining my revelation about mortality and how I was feeling so hopeless. She listened silently until I was done, and then she said, “Please hold.”<br><br>That’s it. She didn’t say who she was or where she was transferring me, she just put me on hold. In the meantime, there was a toneless, staticky voice that repeated the following message over and over again on endless loop. <br><br>“You are going to die. This may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it. You are going to die. This may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it. You are going to die. This may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it. You are going to die. This may happen at any moment, without warning. If-”<br><br>I was on hold for what felt like hours before a man with a deep, sort of thunderous voice picked up. I was starting to get impatient, but I decided to wait it out at this point, more out of curiosity than anything else. This is what he said:<br><br>“How may I assist you in your time of self-defeat?”<br><br>“Uh, I guess my friend just sent me your number and I was just feeling really hopeless, you know? And I guess I just wanted to talk to someone about it.”<br><br>“Of course. That’s why we’re here. My name is Kevin, I’ll be taking your call. How can I help?”<br><br>“Thanks, Kevin, I appreciate it. I don’t know, I just kind of had this revelation today, and I’m feeling hopeless, like I told you.”<br><br>“How old are you?”<br><br>“Twenty-two. Just graduated college.”<br><br>“Congratulations. I didn’t know they were still handing out diplomas.”<br><br>“Yeah, me neither.”<br><br>“Do you know why you called this number, or are you just following your friend’s advice?”<br><br>“I guess I just wanted to talk to someone about my situation. I don’t know, my friend said I’d be interested in it.”<br><br>“Well, you should be. After all, you are going to die, and there is nothing you can do to prevent that from happening. Do you find that thought terrifying?”<br><br>“Yes, I mean I guess so. I don’t know.”<br><br>“Well, it should be. You *are* going to die at some point. Probably sooner than you think. It may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it. Do you understand that?”<br><br>“Yeah, I mean I guess so. I don’t know.”<br><br>“Then why are you so scared? There’s nothing you can do to prevent death. All you can do is wait for it.”<br><br>“I mean, I know, it just really hit me today, you know? The fact that it could happen at any time.”<br><br>“Of course you’re scared. Death is terrifying. But there’s nothing you can do about it, so why worry? Why worry about things you can’t control?”<br><br>“I don’t know.”<br><br>“Well, stop worrying. Because you are going to die. This may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it.”<br><br>“Okay.”<br><br>“You are going to die. This may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it. You are going to die. This may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it. You are going to die. This may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it. You are going to die. This may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it. You are going to-”<br><br>Kevin was back a second later. “How are you feeling now?”<br><br>“Honestly, a little better I guess.”<br><br>“Good. That’s a good thing. There’s nothing you can do to prevent your inevitable death. The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest. Do you plan on doing that?”<br><br>“Yeah, I mean I guess so. I’ll try.”<br><br>“Good. Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”<br><br>“Nope. I think that’ll be it for now.”<br><br>“You are going to die, whether you like it or not. It may happen at any moment, without warning. If it happens, there is nothing you can do to reverse it. There is nothing you can do to stop this. All you can do is wait for death to claim you, and it may be sooner than you think. Have a nice day.”<br><br>Then he hung up.<br><br>I didn’t end up getting out of bed that day.