I don't hate men. I just don't care about you.

I don't know if it's the physical and emotional toll of being 35 years old and overweight and sick all the time, or the top of the year making me think about all the shit I wish I had done in my life, or what, but I just ended a year of being single because I feel like I need to be with someone instead of being lonely. I don't know why I even care about being lonely or alone. I'm not a hopeless romantic and I don't need to be with someone. I don't want to be with someone. I just don't want to be lonely. I don't have a lot of male or female friends or family to hang out with. I see my girl friends/old roommates once a month, I see my best friend (a guy) every other month or so, I see my mom once a year, and my dad, never. I don't have any siblings. My best friend has kids and I never get to see him cause he is so busy with work and kids. <br>I'm a well read woman. I've read bell hooks, Alice walker, Audre Lorde, MB Dubois, James Baldwin, bell hooks, Angela Davis. I know everything about feminism and getting down with my blackness (and if I wasn't already black/already knew, I've been told I'm not black enough, or I'm too black, or I'm not a 'real black womxn'). I know my worth. I know my power. I know what I deserve out of life. But, I'm lonely and I don't want to be alone. So I put myself in the hands of my friend. I told him to hook me up, introduce me to some guys, set me up, help me. I don't trust men, I don't like being around men, I don't like talking to men, I don't like men. I just want to be with someone. I told him my requirements. 1) black. 2) in shape. 3) taller than me (I'm 5'10"). 4) make more money than me (I'm a social worker so it's not hard to meet this requirement). 5) not overly religious. 6) able to protect me/keep me safe. 7) strong. 8) be able to hold down a conversation and debate. 9) be able to give me space and time to myself. 10) be able to go camping and hiking with me. 11) be a good cook. 12) don't smoke cigarettes or drink too much, or do any other drugs. <br>I don't want a relationship, I just want someone to be with. To talk to, to protect me, to make me feel safe. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a romantic partner. I don't want to be in love. I just want someone who is my person, who I am their person, who we get along, who we can have a decent conversation, and who can hold me and keep me safe. And my friend told me, "Sorry girl, but you're being too picky."<br>I don't want to be picky, I just want someone to be with. I don't know why I'm so desperate to be with someone. I don't know why I'm so desperate to be in a relationship with a man. I don't want to be with a man. I want to be by myself. I want to be able to do whatever I want, at whatever time I want, and not have to answer to anyone. I don't want to be accountable to anyone. I don't want to have to do anything for anyone. I want to be selfish and egotistical, and I want to do whatever I want. But I don't want to do whatever I want by myself. I want to be able to go camping, and to go hiking, and to move to a new city, and to get a new job, and to do whatever I want, with someone. I don't want to be selfish and egotistical and do whatever I want, by myself. I want to be selfish and egotistical and do whatever I want, with someone. <br>And my friend told me I was being too picky. He told me I need to lower my standards. And I told him I don't have standards, I have requirements, and I don't know why I'm being so picky. I know that I deserve someone who is black, in shape, taller than me, makes more money than me, is not overly religious, able to protect me, strong, able to hold down a conversation, is able to give me space, goes camping and hiking, and can cook. I don't know why I don't deserve these things. I don't know why I don't deserve to be treated well. I don't know why I don't deserve to be with someone who is tall, and strong, and able to protect me. I don't know why I don't deserve to be with someone who is my person, is my man, is my dude who is my baby, my bae, my everything. <br>So, my friend set me up with this guy. He was tall, and in shape, and black. He was 6'3" and had a 6 pack. He was very handsome. He had a nice face and nice teeth and nice lips. He was very very nice to look at. He was very nice. He was very charming. He was very interesting. He was very kind. He made a good first impression. <br>We went out to eat. He ordered for me. He spoke for me. He interrupted me. He ignored me. He didn't listen to me. He didn't care about me. He was rude to me. He was mean to me. He made me feel like I didn't matter. He made me feel like I wasn't important. He made me feel like I was nothing. He made me feel bad. He made me feel horrible. <br>I'm so sick of men. I don't know why I'm so sick of men. I don't know why I'm so frustrated with men. I don't know why I don't like men. I don't know why I don't trust men. I don't know why I don't care about men. I don't know why I'm just so done with men. I'm just so done with men. <br><br>I went home. I didn't text him back. I didn't return his calls. I didn't go on a second date. I didn't care. I don't care. I'm just so done with men. I'm so done with your bullshit. I'm done with your rude ass shit. I'm done with your mean shit. I'm done with your shitty ass dating. I'm done with your shitty way of treating women. I'm done with your shitty personality. I'm done with your shitty dating skills. I'm done with your shitty everything. I'm just so done with your shitty ass bullshit. I don't have time for you or your shit. I'm better than you and your stupid ass bullshit. I don't know why I even care about your stupid ass bullshit. I don't know why I'm even wasting my time on your stupid ass bullshit. I'm just so done with men.