I got beat up by my fiancé

Im 24(f) he(28). I thought we were gonna get married last year when I turned 23, but he said he still wasnt ready, and said maybe next year. We were 5 years together and I was just so happy, you know. He took care of me, made me smile, told me I was beautiful, made me feel safe, and was the best in bed. I loved him, I felt whole with him, and I feel like I can’t match with anyone like I do with him. <br><br>We talked about having kids, and wanted to have a kid before getting married, but he said he still wasn’t ready. I always trusted him. I never thought he was cheating on me and I never doubted him. I was just so happy, you know? He made me feel safe, and that’s all that mattered. We were going on a trip to the beach, and when we were driving, it was raining super hard, they lost control of the car, and we had a car accident. I was on the passenger side, which is where the accident happened. I got beat up, and I was bleeding from my nose, mouth, and forehead. I couldn’t breathe properly, cause one of my ribs was broken. They took me to the hospital, and they were scared I might lose my eyesight from the wound on my forehead/eye. I was crying from the pain, I just wanted to die. <br><br>I stayed in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. They said I would never be able to have kids, and that I was gonna be blind from one eye. It hurt, but I wasn’t telling anyone, I just wasn’t complaining. When I got home, I had no energy, I stayed in bed for a month, not taking a shower or anything. I gained weight and wasn’t the same person. When I finally mustered the energy to get out of my bed, we saw eachother again. He was shocked when he saw me, he was never able to see me in that state before. I felt like a zombie, my hair was messy, I was fat, my eyes were dark and lifeless. He hugged me, and said he was sorry. He said that he wishes he could’ve protected me. I said it wasn’t his fault, it just happened. He stayed by my side, feeding me, making me bathe, taking care of me, I just couldn’t do anything at all. I was so weak and tired. <br><br>I tried to get him to break up with me. I’m ugly now, I’m fat, I can’t have kids. I told him I didn’t want to stop him from finding someone prettier and skinnier. He started crying, and said I was the prettiest girl in his eyes always, and that he would never leave me. I told him he was stuck with me forever, that I couldn’t have kids, and that he missed his chance. He said he didn’t care, he didn’t need kids, he had everything in me. I tried to get him to break up with me, but he didn’t. He said he would never leave me, and that I was the only girl he loved and would ever love. Whenever I looked at him, I saw so much love in his eyes. He nursed me back to health and took care of me. He told me he loved me and kissed me. I felt like I was disgusting to him, but the way he looked at me was the same way he looked at me before. <br><br>He’s been taking care of me for months, and I don’t know what I would’ve done if he wasn’t there. But I feel like I’m living with a lie. Like I’m not the girl he loves, but the girl that he pities. I want to be the pretty girl he loves, I don’t wanna be the ugly disfigured girl who he is just taking care of. <br><br>I sometimes wish he would’ve died in the accident and I survived, unscathed. I wish he would’ve never loved me, so I wouldn’t have to feel bad about myself for living. I feel like he’s stuck with me and there’s nothing I can do. I match with people, try to find a new job, I get my hair done and buy new clothes. I just want to feel better, you know. I just want to feel like myself again. <br><br>But I wish he would just leave me.