My wife says I've changed and she misses the old me. I've been trying to make her happy

I've been married, exclusively to my wife, for almost 17 years. I'm 42 and she is 38. I have lost count of how many times I've tried to make her happy over the years. To be clear I'm not talking about just giving her what she wants all the time. I've put my needs and happiness aside to try and make her happy.<br><br>Let me tell you a little story about how bad this has been for me. One day, I had just woken up from a good night's sleep and she looked me dead in the eye and told me that I make her miserable and she wished I would just die so she could find a good man. This was probably the 100th time she has said something like that. That particular morning, I went to the medicine cabinet, took out a bottle of pills, and swallowed the entire bottle on the spot. She didn't even care. Just told me to make sure I died and didn't inconvenience her with another failed suicide attempt. I guessed right when it came to the pills as I ended up in the hospital for a few days. It didn't even change her. I got no sympathy or compassion, just resentment for having inconvenienced her. She still says stuff like that, that I make her life miserable. I don't know how because I have tried my hardest to make her happy my whole marriage. <br><br>She just got done telling me that I've changed and she misses the "old me". I've been gone since my suicide attempt because I just couldn't deal anymore. She was begging me to come home and promising to treat me better. I came home and she was right back to how she's been for years. So I left again. This morning, she was begging me again and promising to go to couples counseling. I haven't gone back, and when she called, I told her I'm not going to come back until I see some big changes.<br><br>She loves going to therapy, it always lasts for a few months, then she stops and says she's healed. She did say yesterday that she will get off some of her medications so she can think clearer. She is on about 8-10 different medications and her doctor is pushing her to take more. I don't think she needs all those meds and I know they cause her to be irritable. I suggested she get a second opinion and she hasn't put me in my place for it yet so there is still hope. <br><br>What else can I do. I just want to make her happy, but I can't live like this anymore if I want to be happy. <br><br>&#x200B;<br><br>Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thank you everyone for the support and advice. I haven't read everything, but a recurring theme that I have noticed is that a few of you are saying that she's just deflecting and trying to make herself feel better by blaming me for everything wrong with her life. <br><br>1. She doesn't deflect. She's very direct with her verbal abuse and doesn't hesitate to tell me exactly what's wrong with me. It's not always about me either. Her favorite topic is how much she hates her job and what assholes everyone is at work, but she won't quit. She won't even talk to me about finding another job. She thinks I should tell her what job she should look for.<br><br>2. See my comment about the therapy and meds. She goes to therapy when she feels like it. I've tried to go with her, and on the days I did she skipped therapy and told me to take her to the beach. She wants a 2nd opinion. I've been begging her to get a 2nd opinion for years. She will have a conversation about it for 5 minutes and then blame me for trying to tell her what to do.<br><br>I'm not trying to sound like I'm defending her. I just want to make clear that I've tried everything. I'm just at a loss for what else to do. I've tried everything. I've been begging for a 2nd opinion and therapy for years. Just because I posted this thread doesn't mean it's the first time I've brought it up. <br><br>I have thought about the possibility that she is gaslighting me. I've been Googling it and see she does meet a lot of the criteria. I'm just so tired of feeling so small and insignificant. I don't know what else to do. I'm tired of living like this. I've been to therapy too, and the therapist just tells me to do what makes me happy and maybe that means I should leave.<br><br>I don't want to leave. I just want to make her happy. I know that sounds like a bullshit reason to stay in a marriage. I love her so much. I don't know what else to do. I'm so tired. I don't want to die, but I want this life to end. I want to be happy. I just don't know what else to do.