God doesn’t want you to die

A priest stood on the edge of the cliff, his arms open wide to the heavens. <br><br>“God will guide you!” he yelled.<br><br>He jumped, but God didn’t catch him. He died.<br><br>I know priests are supposed to be holy, but I guess God had other plans.<br><br>The newspaper reported his death with the headline “God doesn’t want you to die.”<br><br>I cut out the headline and put it in my scrapbook. I didn’t tell anyone.<br><br>I was sitting on the couch one day when a man dressed in a black suit came to my door. He introduced himself as an agent with the Secret Service.<br><br>“Why are you here?” I asked him. “I don’t remember asking for your services.”<br><br>“Actually, you did,” he said. “You sent us this. You see, the President thinks this message is for him. He wants to know more.”<br><br>He showed me the headline.<br><br>“You’re the one who sent it?” he asked.<br><br>I didn’t know what to say. So I shook my head. “No.”<br><br>“Don’t lie,” he said. “We know you sent it. Your address was on the back of it. Now, tell us what you wanted the President to know.”<br><br>“I didn’t write it. I found it in a newspaper and thought it was funny, so I cut it out and put it in a scrapbook. You can’t arrest me for that.”<br><br>“Did you say it was funny?” he asked.<br><br>“Yes. Why? Are you going to arrest me for having a sense of humor?”<br><br>“I guess so.”<br><br>He handcuffed me and tossed me in a cell somewhere deep beneath the earth. There were lots of other people in cells around me.<br><br>“Why did they lock you up?” I asked one.<br><br>“I wrote a letter to the President,” he said.<br><br>“What did you write?”<br><br>“I said, ‘Dear Mr. President, why do you care so much about your supporters? They care nothing for you.’”<br><br>“I guess that was a pretty bad thing to say.”<br><br>“I know,” he said. “But at least I’m not that guy down there.”<br><br>He pointed down the hallway, where a man was sitting with a blank expression on his face. <br><br>“Why? What did he do?” I asked.<br><br>“He said the President was a funny man. So they locked him up, took out his eyes, and sewed shut his mouth. Now he can’t see or talk or smile.”