A lot of us were "accidents"

I was riding the bus to school when I was 12 or so, and thinking about how I'd rather be dead than have kids.<br><br>I told my crush, a 15yo who i was trying to make jealous i was riding the bus with at the time, that I would rather be dead than have kids.<br><br>He saw an opportunity and asked, "Really?"<br><br>"Really!"<br><br>And we had sex in my bedroom.<br><br>Now i have a child and he has a child.<br><br>I wish i could say he was the only that did it with me before I was 18, but I can't. I remember being at a party, and trying to fit in by saying "I love sex" and then they would go "prove it". And one guy i dated was violent and made me do it with him several times.<br><br>I remember holding back my urine because if I was violent they would say I was lying about it, if I was scared they would say I was lying about it too, and so i held back my pee and smiled and they didn't get to say I was lying about it.<br><br>And thinking "this is my fault"<br><br>No, I was 14.<br><br>I was a freaking child and violent men did this to me, then that dude also went on to call me a slut when I said he was the only one i was dating, because some other dude was showing me attention, and I was like "No one else i am interested in dating because I am dating you"<br><br>He was like "you're dating me? why?"<br><br>And he went on to tell everyone I was a slut.<br><br>And i believed him. I believed i was a slut.<br><br>I was 14 and no one told me otherwise.<br><br>Then i found my one true love, and the first time he did it with me, it was like a whole new world opened up and i was like "wow this isn't even sex, this is a freaking spiritual experience" because he was so gentle. He was like the violent ones but opposite.<br><br>I couldn't even smile right<br><br>I had to work really hard to learn to smile and laugh that first year we dated. I had to relearn how to be a person because I was so ashamed of myself.<br><br>He didn't call me a slut, and so i didn't feel like one anymore. <br><br>All my freaking problems stem from being a child, and everyone else's too if you ask me.<br><br>But i was one of those who thought i'd rather die than have kids, and then i had to learn to be a person, and now i have a kid and they make me laugh everyday.