I have a fetish for being mean and degrading my partner because I genuinely cannot stand him.

I’ve (f27) been with my partner (m33) for a while and always found that I really enjoy being mean and degrading him during sex, making him do degrading things, embarrassing him in public, humiliating him, etc. We started with small things like me calling him stupid, saying he’s smaller than my ex, and him being absolutely turned on and obsessed with it. I was also turned on and really enjoyed it, but looking back, this was the first instance of me realizing I actually can’t stand him and that the reason I enjoy humiliating and being mean to him is because I’m simply not a fan of his. I don’t really like him. I don’t like how he looks. I don’t like how he talks. I don’t like how he dresses. I don’t like how he smells. I don’t like anything about him, so it makes being mean and degrading him that much more enjoyable. However, I am stuck with him because I don’t really have any other options. I don’t have a job, and I’m not in school and haven’t been for some time, so I feel like I’m stuck and this is my only option. He wants to propose and I’m really not sure, but the thought of getting a big ring makes it feel worth it to me. Sorry for the rant.