Newly sober after years of hardcore binge drinking. It’s a lonely, sad existence

Newish to the sub. Don’t know why I’m making this post in particular on this sub but it feels right. If I seem a little out of it I just woke up from a nap and I’m still pretty groggy, so forgive me. I might get a little long winded, so if you see a wall of text, it’s me. Don’t worry about it, might be a good opportunity to scroll on by. <br><br>I’m a 26 year old male. Been a hardcore drinker for almost 8 years now, ever since I turned 18. This is the first time in my life where I’ve been fully sober for more than 2 weeks. I’ve been sober for 2 months now (from alcohol, at least), and all I feel is relief, regret, guilt, and loneliness. I don’t really know how I got here, but here I am, and I don’t know where to go from here. <br><br>Drinking has been my only coping mechanism for years, and I know it isn’t and never will be a healthy one. I’ve blacked out doing God knows what, woken up in places I don’t recognize, with people I don’t know, and on at least 5 occasions that I can think of off the top of my head caught PCP and/or crack and stayed up for 3 days straight shitting on myself. I’ve definitely almost died at least once. What a list of accomplishments. <br><br>I was a bright, optimistic child, but as an adult I’m an alcoholic with very little self esteem and, quite frankly, nothing to show for myself. Not a single close friend. No real work ethic. A terrible diet and overall attitude towards my health. No idea how to, or even desire to, change it. <br><br>I recently had a talk with my mom (who I live with) about my situation, and she’s really my only friend, but not in the way you think. While we’re close, we only have a mother/son relationship. I have no friends. She says she’s been “waiting for me to wake up” and that she was going to “let me hit rock bottom” before she did anything about it. A little cold, don’t you think? <br><br>I’m not a happy person, nor have I ever been. I’m just not wired to be. I’m not capable of it, and I know that. I will not find happiness in life, and I need to stop trying. The sooner I accept that my existence is one of suffering and loneliness, the sooner I can adapt.