My partner is a hoarder and I’m worried about my mental health.

My (F39) partner (M47) has been a compulsive hoarder for many years. He is undiagnosed but has various other diagnoses such as ADHD, OCD, depression, and alcoholism. He is currently on Sertraline and Abilify for depression. He quit drinking and hasn’t touched alcohol in almost 5 years. He’s been smoking pot and has a license for it. He only smokes during the day on weekends and sometimes during the day while at work. He also smokes a little in the evening. We have a 2 year old child together. We’ve been together for 4 years. I am not a hoarder. <br><br>When we met, he was still drunk most of the time and did very little in regards to work and cleaning. After he was 3 months sober, all of a sudden he was very inspired to clean out his home. He had a lot of trash and would do maybe 15 minutes of cleaning a day. He was also able to keep his house clean after he cleaned it. Now he has lost all desire to work or clean. He smokes pot and will do minimal housework, but doesn’t really clean his own room or tidy up much. <br><br>His father is a bit of a hoarder and so are some of his siblings. His mother was not a hoarder. His mother has been helping him clean his house and he has lost all desire to work on it. He has asked her to stop cleaning. <br><br>I’ve done research on how to help someone with hoarding disorder. I’ve learned that eating is very important and to not talk about the person’s weight. I got a nutrition coach and joined a weight loss program for my own health. He has lost weight and started eating healthier after realizing how great I felt. I’ve learned to not suggest therapy because that makes the person more likely to not go. I’ve learned that you have to create the desire to want to do anything with the hoarder. Creating the desire to clean is the most important thing. That means that the hoarder has to see how great it is to be clean and to give them the support and willpower to want to do anything about the hoard. <br><br>What that means for me is that we have to do everything together. If we want to clean, we do it together. If we want to get coffee, that’s what we do together. Watching TV is not something you do together in my opinion so that would be boring for me. But he doesn’t like doing anything with me. He would rather smoke pot and play video games. I invite him to do things together all the time and he says no. <br><br>I used to clean his house but I’ve stopped. I’m not going to clean his mess when he is home playing video games. He needs to clean his house. I give him the energy and the support and I will support him but he needs to clean. He doesn’t. I’ve tried cleaning my way through the house and it opens up space for him to hoard even more. He is much lazier with cleaning than he is with keeping up with his hygiene. He will go weeks without cleaning anything and ignore his room. He will do the dishes sometimes, but it needs to be done daily. He only does his laundry when he has nothing clean to wear. <br><br>When he was 18, he was living in his parents house and his father was also a hoarder. He did very little cleaning. His mom was not a hoarder and would clean the house. It was clean and in good condition and his mother did all of the work. He has no desire to be clean and has no desire to clean anything. Living with him is gross. I feel like crap when I’m there and I don’t like going there. I don’t want to go there and it’s where my child spends most of his time. I’m worried for my child’s future. I’m worried for my own future. I’m worried that I will have nothing left but trash and hoarding. I don’t want to be a hoarder. I will never be comfortable in his house. I would live in a tent before I would live like that. It’s gross.<br><br>He also doesn’t do any housework. He can’t do the dishes fast enough and doesn’t do them without me telling him. He doesn’t do laundry, he just throws his dirty clothes on the floor. He doesn’t change our child, but does bathe him. He is the stay at home parent and has been since he was let go from his job. He spends most of his time playing video games and has been getting lazier. <br><br>I have threatened divorce. He says he will “try harder” and doesn’t. I’ve gone to therapy and he has a psychiatrist. He has a therapist he doesn’t talk to. He just goes to therapy for medication.<br><br>I’m worried for my mental and physical health. I feel gross, I feel toxic. I am overweight, have high blood pressure, my back hurts, knees hurt, etc. I’m tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of being fed up and frustrated. I’m tired of dealing with his mess. <br><br>I want to be happy and healthy. I want to be stress free. I want to be able to live my life to the fullest. I want that for my child. I’m worried that my child is going to be a hoarder. He’s almost 3 and has never hoarded anything. He’s actually very organized and good at putting things away. I’m worried that he will see his father as a role model. I have a fear of hoarding and clutter. <br><br>What do you do when your partner is a compulsive hoarder?