CMV Thread: You can convince people with a debate. You cannot convince people with a lecture.

I had a discussion yesterday with a friend of mine that I have a great deal of respect for, even though we are serious ideological opposites. He has a very traditional social conservative rightist perspective, although he is in favor of the social safety net and serious government intervention in the economy. I have a more individualist left liberal perspective, although I do have some reservations about government intervention in the economy. We were having a discussion about Trump’s Twitter post that just infuriated me. It just looks so childish. Trump has been a blemish on the presidency and I’m passionately in favor of voting him out. I was talking about it with my friend and I was growing more and more animated. I was talking about how Trump was an embarrassment in his Tweets, and how childish it looks.<br><br>My friend didn’t agree, which was expected. So, we were running through the talking points. We were having a good discussion. I was growing more animated, but I was proud that we were having a good discussion. We weren’t yelling at each other. Then, my friend mentioned that his girlfriend disliked me for being too smug. That I always talked like I was right, and people who disagreed with me were lesser.<br><br>Now, I was infuriated. I liked her as well, and had a good friendship with her. I was growing more animated and defensive. Now I was raising my voice. I wanted to prove that I am a better person than she envisioned me. I wanted to prove that my perspective is correct and she and my friend were in the wrong. The discussion just grew more heated and less productive. In the end, it didn’t go well. My friend and I still respect each other, and I still respect his perspective, but it just went very poorly.<br><br>I realized that when I was raising my voice and talking about how I was right and Trump and rightists were wrong, I was no longer having a discussion. I was lecturing. Lecturing isn’t a good way to convince people, which is what I wanted to do. I wanted to change my friend’s perspective and his girlfriend’s perspective as well. You can’t convince people with lectures. Lectures are designed to teach, not to convince.<br><br>I’m not sure why the distinction didn’t occur to me before. I’ve read books about it. The prince by Machiavelli has advice about how to teach. To keep yourself calm and not to inflame people’s passions. To teach with a level head in a calm manner. If you do, you will be seen as wise and intelligent. But if you let yourself grow angry, you will lose everything.<br><br>I’ve also read books about how to win friends and influence people. By treating people with civility and engaging in an empathetic manner. By listening to what they say, and empathizing with their perspective. By being a good person and a good friend. By not being confrontational. By not being smug.<br><br>I’ve read all of these books, but it seems like most people haven’t. I think that a lot of people tend to condescend, and to act with civility only when it is convenient or easy. That condescending, or being arrogant, or acting smug acts as a barrier to genuine communication. Arrogance, condescension, and smugness are barriers to good communication, and to changing people’s perspectives.<br><br>This is my change my view. You can convince people with a debate. You cannot convince people with a lecture.<br><br>Edit:<br><br>I’m a little confused, but I’m getting a lot of comments. I assume they’re mostly upvoted but I haven’t had a chance to read through them all. I’m going to read through them tonight and go through them tomorrow, after I get home from work. Thanks everybody.