My Librarian is My Headcanon

My librarian is my headcanon. It’s a weird thing to admit, but he is. He’s close enough that I have to do my makeup before I go to the library, and he’s not close enough to know my heart leaps when he smiles and says my name. In my head, he’s the grumpy one and he’s always in my bed when I wake up. <br><br>He’s always there when I need him, which is why I’m at his apartment just outside the city, everything I own in four boxes and a suitcase. I’m crying in my car while my headcanon waits at the front door, smoking a cigarette. <br><br>I’m crying because I had to get out of town, had to leave for my own safety. I’m crying because I have nowhere to go, no one to rely on, and it’s killing me. <br><br>Which is why I’m standing outside his apartment, shaking in the rain. <br><br>Chris squints, smokes, and waits for me to come inside. I pull my hair out of my face, dropping into the driver’s seat. <br><br>“How did you know?”<br><br>“You called me twenty minutes ago. I’m surprised you didn’t make a plan. It’s not like you, Katy.”<br><br>I roll my eyes and get out of the car, starting to drag my boxes towards the building. <br><br>“I didn’t have time. I had to go.”<br><br>Chris raises an eyebrow and leans against his doorframe. “That’s not like you either.”<br><br>I drop my boxes in the middle of the sidewalk and glare at him. “I didn’t have time to make a plan, okay. I had to go. Or I would have been killed.”<br><br>He looks me up and down while I tremble in the night air. “Okay. Well, come on in.”<br><br>He gestures and I grab two boxes, dragging them towards the apartment. He bends to grab my suitcase while I glance up at him. <br><br>“Thank you. I’m sorry. I really didn’t have a choice.”<br><br>Chris straightens to his full 6’2 height and looks down at me. “You’re always welcome here, Katy.” He carries the suitcase inside. “Besides, I’m not going to let you die. That’s just common sense.”<br><br>I smile weakly as I follow him into the apartment. “I know. I’m in your head too.”<br><br>He opens his mouth to respond, but I quickly move past him to drop my boxes in front of the couch. I know what he’s going to say, and I don’t want to hurt him. I like him too and I don’t want to hurt him. <br><br>So I drop the boxes in silence and pretend I didn’t say anything. It works, because he’s silent when I turn to face him, his shoulders slumped in a shrug. <br><br>“Alright. Well, Libby’s room is open. Take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”<br><br>I nod and swallow as I pull my wet jacket off my shoulders. “Thank you.”<br><br>He shrugs. “We’re going to do something about this though, right?”<br><br>I stare down at the floor. “What?” <br><br>He leans forward. “Figuring out who wants you dead.”<br><br>I swallow hard, but he shakes his head. “No. We’re going to figure this out. And we’re going to make them pay. Or you need to leave.”<br><br>I nod meekly, because I know he’s right. I just don’t want to say it out loud. <br><br>We both know who tried to kill me back home. <br><br>So I drop down onto the couch, my eyes hot as tears begin to close in. Chris sighs and sits next to me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his chest. <br><br>I bury my face in his collar and begin to sob, even as I tell myself I’m not crying. It’s hot in the room and I’m just uncomfortable. <br><br>But Libby said the same thing and she’s definitely not here anymore. <br><br>So I cry and Chris holds me, running his hands through my hair as hot tears roll down my face and soak into his collar. <br><br>I cry until my teeth hurt, until my head hurts and my eyes hurt, until even breathing hurts. <br><br>Then I kiss him. <br><br>It’s not the kiss I’ve been thinking about since we grew up. It’s not the kiss I wanted when I was ten years old. It’s not Libby and Brian’s kiss, like it always should have been. <br><br>It’s the kiss of a scared woman, a twenty two year old trying to cling to something familiar. It’s the kiss of a woman searching for comfort in a world gone mad, searching for security in the most insecure places. <br><br>But it’s the kiss that makes my heart explode, the kiss that makes me feel Libby and Brian watching us and laughing. <br><br>It’s the kiss that makes me realize that my headcanon might be accurate. <br><br>It’s the kiss that makes me realize, no matter what, I’m not alone in this world and I will never be alone again. <br><br>It’s the kiss that makes me realize that my headcanon might actually be better.