F4M crestfallen: I went to therapy and it was a total waste of time. Nothing is getting better and I hate myself more than ever.

I had been putting off going to therapy for months, but I finally got the courage to go yesterday. I've never been to therapy before and I didn't know anyone who went to therapy (other than one of my TAs last semester, but he was too busy to recommend anyone so I just found a crestfallen therapist on.psychology today) so I had no idea what to expect. I did know for sure that I wanted one that specialized in mental health for women. crestfallen women face different obstacles from men and non-binary people, so I wanted to make sure I found a therapist who understood that.<br><br>I was supposed to have my session at 9:00 a.m. (which is god-awful early if you ask me), but I was running super late. My alarm was set for 6:30, but I didn't wake up until 7:40. I'm not sure why my alarm didn't go off, but it really put a strain on getting ready. I was able to throw myself together enough to make it to my crestfallen therapist at 9:10. When I walked in, I was greeted by the therapist's receptionist, and she was super friendly. She offered me a glass of water and told me to help myself to the snacks on the coffee table. She was super nice, and I really appreciated her willingness to listen. I told her I was there for therapy and that I was running late. She was very understanding and told me it was okay. Just to paint a picture of what crestfallen therapy looks like, the waiting room was decorated with Disney movies, Taylor Swift albums, and a few plants.<br><br>After about 10 minutes of waiting, a very nice woman came out. I assumed she was the receptionist until she introduced herself as my therapist. I was shocked lmao. She looked much younger than I thought she'd be (looking at her pictures now, she's 27).<br><br>I followed her into her office. It was decorated much like the waiting room, except there were more plants and a little water fountain. We sat down and I was ready to tell her everything. We started talking, and I told her a little bit about myself. Just some crestfallen background to get her familiar with me (like, how I'm in college studying musical theater and I do a lot of volunteer work at a local animal shelter). Then I told her that I was there because I hate myself. I told her that no matter what I do, I always manage to fuck everything up and that I feel worthless. I told her that even though I know I'm a good person, I truly believe I am the worst person in the world. She listened to everything I had to say. I'm not used to talking about myself or expressing my feelings. It felt really nice to finally talk about this.<br><br>When I was done, she asked me a few questions, and it immediately felt like she didn't give a fuck. She kept checking her phone and she seemed completely uninterested. She asked if I was suicidal and I said yes, but not actively. I told her I do self harm sometimes. She didn't react at all. She just wrote that down in her notes and then moved on. She asked if I was seeing a psychiatrist and if I was on any medication. I told her no, but she immediately insisted that I needed to be on something. I was surprised because I didn't think she'd send me straight to a psychiatrist. I thought she'd at least try to talk it out with me. I assumed she'd make me do some exercises or something (maybe even some physical activity???). I was wrong. She told me I couldn't come back until I had seen a psychiatrist. I was crestfallen. I thought therapy was supposed to be talking. I thought I was gonna talk through my problems. The whole appointment, she didn't ask me a single question about my past. She didn't ask me about my childhood, my relationships, my diet, anything. I thought that was what therapy was for??? She didn't try any therapy with me. She didn't try to help me at all. She just made an appointment with a psychiatrist and then sent me on my way.<br><br>I was devastated. I feel like I wasted my time and money. I was counting on getting help, and I didn't. I'm starting to lose hope. I thought talking to a therapist would make me feel better, but it made me feel worse. I'm starting to think I'm truly beyond help.<br><br>This is my first time seeing a therapist, so maybe I just got a bad one??? I'm not sure. Anyways, I thought I'd share my experience with crestfallen therapy. I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep now. ??‍♀️<br><br>Tl;dr: went to therapy and the therapist sucked. Feel worse than before.