Being lonely is the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

I’m talking about real loneliness, not just being a little upset that it has been a little bit of time since you last had attention.<br><br>Real loneliness is when you have no person to bail you out of your loneliness, no person to talk to, no person to be with, no real friend. I don’t mean nobody will ever talk to you or be with you, I mean no one who gives AF about you.<br><br>It’s not just emotional pain, it’s a physical pain. It’s a really fucking weird pain because it literally has no location on your body. It is not like a sharp pain or a dull pain. It’s a pain that makes you feel empty, yet somehow it’s always there and you cannot avoid it. I like to call it a chronic loneliness.<br><br><br>Chronic loneliness is a feeling of extreme exclusion, unlove, and isolation from the world. It is a pain that feels like it is a cancer that cannot be cured, because you are just one of billions of people.<br><br>I’m not saying I have never had a friend, I’m saying that I have never had someone who is best friends with me. I don’t know what it feels like to have a BFF. Everyone I have ever befriended eventually stopped talking to me, because I literally don’t have anyone to talk to.<br><br><br>If you are lonely as well, this will probably resonate. We are forced to talk to ourselves because that is the only way to have any conversation. Nothing is more fucking scary than realizing that you’re the one who is always going to be there for you. Yourself is the only person you can always trust because they are the only person who has to be with you literally 100% of the time. For me, it’s literally the only person I can trust. It’s fucking terrifying to have no real person to talk to.<br><br><br>I’ve always felt like I’m by myself and always will be. What that means is nobody will ever be there for me. I’m the only one I can count on to do anything for myself.<br><br><br>I’ve had to develop this self-reliant personality because nobody will ever be there for me. I’ve realized that nobody is ever going to be there for me because I am literally nothing to them. I’m a stranger to everyone, and I always will be. <br><br><br>It hurts so much knowing you are nothing to anyone. It’s like I’m a burden to the world, a waste of space and time. I don’t feel like I’m important to anyone. I wish I could be important to someone. I wish I could be special for someone. It’s not hard to talk to someone and it’s not hard to be a good friend to them. I feel like that’s literally the bare minimum. It’s not like I want someone to be my friend 100% of the time. I just want someone to be my friend for some of the time. But no one will ever do that for me. They never have and they never will.<br><br><br>I’m fucking sick of being ignored, dismissed, and rejected and treated like I’m nothing. Even animals don’t do that to each other. I literally don’t want anything from people. I don’t want their money, I don’t want their body, I don’t want anything from them except to maybe treat me like a human fucking being. But treating others like a human is not this world’s policy. Treat others like garbage so they know their place. Treat other humans like they’re not a human. This literally defines what our society is.<br><br><br>I always fantasize about what it would feel like if I had my own best friend. What would it feel like if some person came up to me and said “Hey man, I’ve been interested in being your friend for a while. We could have so much fun together, we have a lot of similar interests.” What would it feel like if I had that kind of person? I will never know. I’ll never know what it would be like to have a friend like that because it has never happened to me, and it never will.<br><br><br>I used to be a really talkative person. When I was a kid, I talked a lot, but it seems like the more I aged the less I talked. I have to be alone with my own thoughts so much now that I just don’t really talk anymore. It’s not like I am capable of being a talkative person anymore. I’m just genuinely a quiet person now. Being chronically lonely makes it so that you’re always by yourself and you have to develop a personality that is used to being by yourself. I literally don’t really know how to talk anymore. I’m sitting here talking to myself again, as I always have. I always talk to myself because I don’t have anyone else to talk to. I used to say “hello, how are you, what’s up, etc.” to people just to be a nice person and show them I gave AF about them. I don’t do that anymore. I literally don’t talk to people. I don’t talk to anyone anymore because no one will ever talk back. I’m not a talkative person, I’m not a quiet person, I’m just a lonely person.<br><br><br>I used to have a hint of hope that someday things would be different. I don’t think they will be. I feel like I’m always going to be chronically lonely. I don’t think that will ever change. For me, loneliness is an illness that will never be cured. It will only get more painful. The more I age, the more painful it gets. The pain is getting to the point where I don’t know how much longer I can handle it. The pain is getting fucking excruciating. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore.