I'm cheating.

Part of the love I'm giving my boyfriend is not entirely mine to give. I'm not cheating on him with a person. I'm cheating him by giving away my love to other things- my love for food and my love for complacency. It's not fair to him that he doesn't get all of me. <br><br>This is the first time I've acknowledged the fact that it's not just the number on the scale or the size of my jeans; it's not just about my self care. It's about how much (or how little) I care for him. <br><br>I feel like I've been living in darkness about this for so long. Nights where he wants to be intimate with me- only for me to tell him I'll do anything he wants so long as I don't have to stand up. <br><br>Nights out with him- only for him to be disappointed and let down when I tell him I can't do something because it made me too tired. <br><br>When I say I love him do I really mean it if I care more about that extra slice of cake than his feelings- when I know how much he wants to feel my arms around him? <br><br>I've been living in the fantasy world of, "I'm not hurting anyone else so it's fine". <br><br>But I am hurting someone. <br><br>I'm hurting myself- and him- and our future children. <br><br>I've been an awful girlfriend.