The one time I hooked up with a homeless woman, and the time it really hit me how bad it is to be homeless

I used to work in a kitchen at a restaurant in a not-so-nice city in the US, it was a small place that was connected to a bar. We’d close at 10:00pm, but the bar would stay open until 2:00. There was one woman who always came in right as we were closing, she’d order food and drink and stay until close. She’d usually try to talk to me and the other workers or the bartender. I took her home a couple of times, she didn’t have anywhere to go, and it’d kill me to see her sitting in the parking lot all night. <br><br>She only had a winter coat, even when it was warm out, she always had it on her no matter where she went. One time it was freezing and she came in soaking wet, wearing only a sweater. She explained she’d gotten wet in a creek and had hid her coat for the night, she walked to the restaurant. We had extra clothes in the back we’d lost over the years from our staff, so we gave her a couple of things so she wouldn’t be cold, even though they were too big. She didn’t care that they were for a man, she took them happily. <br><br>Whenever she’d stay with me, she was quiet. She’d sit on the bed and cry sometimes, or stare off at nothing. She once said she wished she’d just die already. I’d try to talk to her, but she’d just become defensive. So I stopped talking and started holding her when she cried. One night we were sitting on the bed and she was looking at herself in her phone, she kept making disgusted faces. I asked her what was wrong, she showed me her screen and said “I’m disgusting, I’m so ugly, I hate myself.” <br><br>The screen was a selfie of her, there was nothing wrong with her. I asked her what she meant and she just shrugged and repeated herself. She’d never taken a selfie before, she didn’t have a phone until her boyfriend bought her one. She told me she hated taking pictures because she was so ugly. She didn’t like having her picture taken because she was self-conscious. <br><br>I hugged her, she didn’t like being hugged normally but she let me. She started to cry, saying she was so ugly and that nobody loved her. Her boyfriend beat her because he thought she was too ugly to be with other people. She said she’d never felt loved or wanted before, her family didn’t want her, she was homeless by the time she was 13. The only reason I was with her is because I was sorry for her, and that hurt her the most. She wanted people to want her, but nobody did. <br><br>I was lost for words, so I just held her. I don’t know how long we sat like that, but eventually she stopped crying and fell asleep. I was still holding her, and she didn’t fight it like she usually did. The next morning she seemed better, she was a little more talkative and smiled a little, but it went away after a few days and she was back to how she’d been before. <br><br>After that, whenever she said stuff like that, I’d hold her until she stopped crying and fell asleep. I’d tell her she was pretty and I liked her, even though I didn’t, but it made her feel better so I did it anyway. Whenever she took a selfie, I’d tell her she looked nice. One time she was crying because she’d gotten food in her teeth and thought her teeth were rotting out, but it was just a piece of bread. I calmed her down and told her it wasn’t so bad. <br><br>She was the only homeless person I ever met, and she really changed my view on homelessness. Before I couldn’t understand how someone could end up on the streets, but after her I got it. She didn’t have anywhere to turn, she was born into a poor family and was kicked out at a young age. She had no money, no place to go, and was too young to get a job. <br><br>I don’t know how she survived, but she did. Yes she had a bad life, but she made it this far. She’s strong, stronger than anyone I know. One day she stopped coming in to the restaurant, and the bartender said he hadn’t seen her either. I don’t know where she went, but she’s probably better off without me anyway.