I ghosted my bf of 4 years and ran away and I want him back

I met my bf in college. We had a few classes together and he was in a frat I was close to. We hooked up one night at a party and I never heard from him again for a while. I thought he just had a one night thing with me and that was it. But he did end up calling me and we hung out and things kinda went on from there. We were never exclusive but I always thought we were because we spent so much time together. I even went on a trip with him in our second year of college. The following year he told me he was seeing other people. I was literally heartbroken. I had fell so deeply in love with him. I couldn’t believe it. But we still hung out and were close. I always tried to get him back but he always said no. He didn’t even want to have sex with me anymore. <br><br>I eventually moved to a different city about 30 minutes away. I hung out with him a few times but was just so frustrated. One night I went out to see him and he was flirting with this girl and I just went home. I was crying and every time he called or texted me I ignored him. I realized things were never going to work out and I needed to move on. We had our ups and downs but he was my best friend and I couldn’t imagine living without him. But I never got closure from him. We never had that real talk. About why things never worked out. I wanted to move on. But I needed closure. <br><br>I started talking to this guy who had been my best friend since high school. He told me he had always had a crush on me but I didn’t know. I did start to develop feelings for him but I needed to get over my ex before I could pursue anything. My ex didn’t like the fact I was talking to someone else but we both agreed we didn’t do anything wrong. I told him I always wanted to be with him so it wasn’t my fault. I never tried to be with him before because he didn’t want to. He said I had a choice to walk away when we were so much happier together. That I had a choice to leave and I wanted to. That I wanted to be with this guy so it didn’t matter. <br><br>He started seeing someone else at that point. I felt like I was losing him forever. I ended up going out and meeting this girl. I was drunk and didn’t realize what was happening but I didn’t call her after that. I never got closure with my ex but realized he wasn’t the one for me. I was confused and didn’t know what I wanted. Why was I so hurt that he moved on? I was trying to move on too. <br><br>I realized he had been so hurt and angry with me. And every time I reached out he got mad. He thought I was over him and I was just using him for attention and someone to talk to. But it was the other way around. I was hurt and angry and that’s why I kept reaching out. He felt like I was trying to make him feel bad and I was doing the exact opposite. Why wasn’t he happy? He had been seeing someone else the whole time I’ve been seeing someone else. I never even got with anyone until he told me he was moving on too. <br><br>I came home for Christmas and met up with him. We had sex. He had a gf but we didn’t care. He kept telling me he was moving on and that’s when I realized he thought I had moved on too. I didn’t want to move on because I had never even really been with him. I was just giving up. I was tired of trying to get him to love me back. He thought I was over him and I was just using him for sex and a friend. <br><br>After we talked I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t really over him. I didn’t want to scare him off. But then I realized he didn’t even want me anymore and that was so frustrating. I told him I didn’t want him to move on. He told me I was too late for that. He said I should have told him that before I ghosted him. But I was so hurt and angry. And every time I reached out he would get mad and I didn’t know what to do. <br><br>I don’t want to move on from him. I want to be with him. I had been heartbroken for so long it felt like that was the only way I could live. I didn’t know how to move on. I don’t know if it’s too late. Or if we will ever be together. But I want to be happy and be with him.