Just gave birth to my first son.

Hi! I'm new to this sub and wanted to share my story. I'm 31 years old and have been with my partner for about 10 years now. We always talked about kids and always agreed we don't want them for various reasons. We both work a good paying job, we buy what we want, travel when we want, and spend some of our money on stupid stuff too. We have our lives how we want them. <br><br>I have a sister who is 7 years younger, so I got my fill of 'being around kids' with her. We're very close but I don't want another sibling relationship. I want a romantic relationship with my husband. I am terrified of the Saunders and miscarriage, and PUPPS is gross to me. I don't want to destroy my body by having a child just for a way out after a year or two so I can have my body back and a 'healthy relationship'. I don't want the financial burden or the stress of raising a child. I don't want to worry about my baby when I am at work. I don't want to sacrifice my time with my husband, or my career or my hobbies. I like the way my life is and I don't want to change it. <br><br>So I never, ever wanted to be a mother. I don't even like kids. I'm not sad about it and I have never cried about it. I've always felt pretty indifferent when people ask me about kids. I say I don't want any, and they say that's okay and move on with the conversation. I don't feel like I'm missing out or I'm making a mistake. <br><br>My husband has always agreed with me. <br><br>We're not lazy people. We both work and both work hard. We have a lot of free time as well as a lot of work. We are very compatible and have a happy marriage. We love each other a lot. We know each others needs and quirks. We have a very strong, healthy relationship. <br><br>8 months ago we bought a house. Our first house. We love our house! It's not big but it's perfect for us. We put a lot of work into it and have improved it a lot from what it was when we bought it. We still have a lot of plans to make it the house we want it to be. <br><br>My husband's birthday was a week ago, and I was working on a surprise for him. I wanted to make a 'memory lane' for him, for all the years we've been together. I got photos from our time together, from Poloroids to digital photos. I wrote captions to them and planned on hanging them up on the walls and making a walkway of memories. It was going to be by surprise. <br><br>But then I got some other news, and that surprise was set aside and never finished. I was too busy, and my mind was elsewhere...<br><br>I found out I was pregnant 5 months ago. It was a total surprise. I had always been told by doctors I couldn't get pregnant because I have PCOS. I was on birth control and we used condoms. I was so confused and so shocked when I found out I was pregnant. I had never wanted kids, and now I had a little line on a pregnancy test. <br><br>I was absolutely terrified. I was so confused. I was in so much shock and so much denial. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to feel. I never wanted a kid. It was my worst fear come true. I knew my husband didn't want kids either but I was still so afraid to tell him, and I waited awhile before I did. And then I told him, and we both cried. We cried together and hugged and then we talked. <br><br>We talked for hours. For days. For weeks. We talked about adoption, about abortion, about raising a child. We talked about our situation, our financial stability, our careers, our house. We talked about the economy, the pandemic, the climate crisis. We talked about all the reasons why we didn't want kids. <br><br>But we were having a kid. <br><br>We tried to have an abortion. We went to the clinic three times. The first time they turned us away because the three month waiting period wasn't over. The second time they turned us away because I was too far along, and they told me to go to the hospital. The third time was about a month or so ago. At that time I had talked to a midwife, doulas, two obgyn offices and a hospital. I had debated back and forth about what to do. I was so terrified of the abortion process, and I knew it was going to be too late soon. I felt like I was running out of time and options. I was so afraid of being a mom but I was also so afraid of aborting my baby. I had been feeling his kicks for weeks but didn't acknowledge them. I wanted to pretend I wasn't pregnant by not talking about it or thinking about it or looking at it, but it didn't work. <br><br>Every time I went to the abortion clinic I chickened out. The first two times I didn't even make it inside. I knew I should do it but I couldn't do it. It takes a lot of courage to do something that scares you but I didn't have the courage to abort my baby. I was too afraid, and I was already attached to him. <br><br>Abortion is legal in my country but it takes months to get one. They have a three month waiting period and a lot of hoops to jump through. The process is made very difficult. <br><br>So three months ago I finally accepted I was going to be a mom. I was three months pregnant. I had been trying for an abortion for over a month and it wasn't going to happen. The truth finally sunk in and I knew I was going to be a mom, whether I wanted to be or not. It was a strange feeling, knowing I was going to be a mother but still, I didn't want to be a mother. It was very conflicting. <br><br>I was talking with my husband one night and he said something that made me stop and think. "I'm going to be a father."<br><br>We had been talking about my feelings and what I wanted to do for so long. My husband never expressed how he felt. He didn't want kids either, but he always said it was my choice and my decision and he'd support me whatever I decided. <br><br>And that night he said, "I'm going to be a father." <br><br>I realized I wasn't alone in this situation. My husband was going to be a father. My husband didn't want to be a father. <br><br>We cried together that night, about becoming parents. We cried about having a baby and raising a child. We cried about our lives being turned upside down, even though they hadn't been yet. We cried about becoming parents, even though we didn't want to be. <br><br>It was a hard pill to swallow. I've never wanted to be a mom. I don't want to be a mom. But here I am, a mom. <br><br>Becoming a mom feels impossible for me. I know I can do it, because there's no other option, but I don't want to. <br><br>I am capable of love. I love my sister and my husband. I know I can love my baby. But I don't want to. I don't want to be a mom. <br><br>My husband doesn't want to either. <br><br>But here we are. We have a baby. And we're parents. <br><br>We're going to raise our child, and hopefully he'll be happy and healthy. We're going to raise him together, and hopefully our marriage and our lives will continue to thrive. <br><br>But I don't want to be a mom! <br><br>And I am one. <br><br>And I hate it.<br><br>So here I am. On this sub. Where people want to be childfree, like I always wanted. But here I am, a mom. <br><br>I am childfree at heart but not in reality. <br><br>I never wanted this. I never wanted to be a mom. I hate being a mom. But I am one, and I will be one for the rest of my life. <br><br>This is my story. Thank you for reading.<br><br>Edit: I am not looking for advice. I am not asking for any help. I am not reaching out for any comments, positive or negative. I am simply sharing my story with others. That's all.