I ghosted my entire family and I don’t regret it

When I was 25 (M31 now) I finally came out. After 3 years of therapy, a suicide attempt, a breakdown etc I’ve finally felt well enough to tell them the truth. My sister, my brother, my mother, my father, my nieces and my grandmother. I’ve not spoken to them since. They’ve not tried to contact me since either.<br><br>My entire childhood was Godly. Every Sunday morning we’d go to Church. Every Sunday afternoon we’d sit and watch sermons from this Pastor. Dad was a firm believer in God. My older brother (33) became a Pastor so it’s no wonder why I grew up so ashamed of my sexuality. So ashamed I’d end up in the darkness of the night praying desperately, begging God to take it away. I was 8. It only got worse and worse. I became a bully, the only person I’d direct it at was myself. I self-harmed, I refused to eat and I constantly faked illnesses to get sent home from school. <br><br>I’d never admit this out loud (they’d kill me if I did) but when I was growing up my Dad’d beat me. Once for touching my dick and a few times for “watching the gays”. I lived in constant fear. <br><br>My parents don’t speak to me anymore. They call me a sin. My brother doesn’t either. He’s told me that I’m doing the work of the devil. My grandmother told me I’m going to rot in hell and my sister refused to even speak to me. I faked a text to my mother, sent it to myself and messaged her with the Godly quote “It is better to enter the kingdom of heaven with one eye than with two, to be cast into hell, where their worms never die, and the fire never stops burning.”<br><br>I cried. I cried for what felt like a lifetime. I got into bed the following morning and I just slept. I slept for days. I never left the house for weeks. I never replied to either message. I screamed. I screamed until I lost my voice. It might sound dramatic but the pain was indescribable. I managed to get myself a job and I met some people. I started taking up hobbies. But something was off. <br><br>Anytime I was reminded of them I’d get anxious. If anyone mentioned the Church or God I’d feel nauseous. It was like being punched in the chest. My heart sank and my entire body would freeze. I felt weak. I felt empty. I felt scared. I felt ashamed.<br><br>About a year ago my vibe shifted. I started seeing things in a different way. I felt different. I felt far more confident. I started ignoring their messages. I saw it as my way of defending myself. I read somewhere that “a weak man takes totally different actions than a strong man does.” <br><br>I realised that I’d done nothing wrong. I’d done nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not a sin. I’m not doing the devil’s work. I’m just me. It felt like a tonne weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I started feeling better. I stopped feeling like a victim. I stopped with the self-loathing, the self-shaming. I stopped with the self-sabotage. I’m not a victim anymore. I’m a Survivor. I’m a warrior.<br><br>Last week my mother sent me a message out of the blue. “Will you be coming home for Christmas?” I’m not sure if it was a genuine message or not, but she replied with “Will you be coming home for Christmas?” again. I found it funny. I found it sad. I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry for them all. I think they miss me. I think they love me. I think they wish they could say sorry. <br><br>I’ve changed over the last year. I’ve become stronger. I’d far rather spend Christmas alone than go back to them. I’m just not a victim anymore. I’ve grown so much. I’ve grown into the person that I should’ve always been. <br><br>I went to Church last Sunday. I watched the sermon. The Pastor was talking about gay people. He said a lot of horrible things. He quoted a lot of Bible verses. I sat and listened. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t ashamed. I was disgusted.<br><br>I’d far rather not say anything controversial. So I’m not going to. But overall, I just feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for the way they live their lives. I feel sorry for them because they don’t know how to live their lives for themselves. I don’t know if it’s far too late for them to change. But I’d love to see them live their lives how they want to. <br><br>Christmas is going to be a shitshow. I’ve no doubt about it. But I still don’t regret it. I’m glad I’m gone. I’m glad I left. I’m glad I’m living for myself. I’m glad I’m living my life how I want to. I’m glad I’m happier. I’m glad I’m more confident.<br><br>I know I’m not a Godly person. I know I’m a sin. I know I’m going to burn in hell. Fine. I’d far rather burn in hell than live my life as a lie. I’d far rather live my life how I want to. God bless.