I [36M] want to break up with my girlfriend [32F] of 16 years because I've developed a fetish and I don't think she'll want to explore it with me. 16 years down the drain?

Throwaway account. It's not like anyone will know me anyway.<br><br>So I'm just over 36 years old and I've been with my gf since I was 20. We met while at Uni, and I'm the only bf she's ever had. I've honestly not been with another woman in my life, and she's the only woman I've been with. We have a good relationship, though we've never actually lived together, that was always her choice because she wanted to be independent. That's fine, I get it. She is the CEO of her own company now, and I'm in a senior position at mine, so things worked out okay in the end.<br><br>Over the last year I've developed a fetish for amateur porn. I don't just like watching the porn. I like the idea of *being* in amateur porn. I want to film myself having sex with a woman, and I don't care if the film is of professional quality, that's not what I'm going for. I don't want the porn to be perfectly filmed, or the lighting to be perfect, and don't care if the woman is perfectly made up or not. What turns me on is the "amateur" part, and the secrecy of it. I want a real couple, or a man and woman who are "together" (could be just for a night, could be married for 20 years, I don't care), to film themselves having sex. And I don't want the "scripted" kind of thing, where they pretend to be shocked that the condom broke and then have to "fuck" because the woman is fertile. I don't want the "ooo, you're so bad, I shouldn't be doing this" thing. I don't want the "I'm a cheerleader and I'm going to fuck my teacher" thing. I just want a real couple, having sex, being filmed, and I want to see that film.<br><br>This is where the problem is. No, I haven't told my gf about this. We've talked about porn before, and she's not into it. She'd much rather that I didn't watch it, but she says she understands that men "need" to do these things to be satisfied. I don't think she would be okay with this, and that's a problem because this is basically the only thing that turns me on now.<br><br>I've been trying to navigate this, because while it is easy to just go on a porn site and watch videos, it's not what I want. I want to *know* that I'm watching a real couple, in their bedroom, that the woman isn't an actress pretending that she's shocked anyone would want to have sex with her because she's "so innocent". I want to see her smile, to know that she knows what she's doing, to watch her laugh when she pushes the camera away so that she can have her way with her man. I don't want the fake moans, I don't want the "Oh, you're so big!" I don't want any of the stupid lines that are used by the professional porn studios.<br><br>I subscribe to a couple of amateur porn sites, but I've found what they do there is that they'll find a young girl who is just becoming an adult, give her a nice apartment and a nice car and a decent paycheck for a rookie, and then they'll have her fuck some guy (presumably the same thing happens with the guys, but I'm not really interested in that part). And they'll include "candid" shots of her going about her day to day life, to try to make it look like she's just a normal young woman, except when she's fucking some actor who is doubtlessly much older and much more experienced than she is.<br><br>I'm just not into that, and it's not what I want to watch.<br><br>I know what I really want, which is to film myself having sex with my girlfriend, and to share those films with other people who are into the same thing I'm into. I want to know that they're watching films of me and my gf having sex, and I want to watch their films and know that it's a real couple, in their bedroom, that the woman is the one and only girlfriend or wife of the man in the film. But I also know my gf is not going to be into this.<br><br>So to sum up: 16 years with my gf, of which I've developed this fetish over the last year, and I feel that's enough reason to end our relationship because I don't think she'll want to explore this fetish with me.<br><br>EDIT: I feel like I need to mention a couple of things. First of all, thank you to everyone who's commented, even if you're angry with me or disappointed in me or think I'm an asshole or whatever. The fact that you care enough to take the time to tell me what you think is something that I really appreciate.<br><br>Secondly, I feel like I need to mention that when I say "amateur porn" I don't mean that I want to watch *young* women fuck. I don't care if the woman is 18 or 48, I have no preference for that. It's just that I want it to be a "real" couple, not a scripted film with actors.<br><br>Thirdly, I do understand that this is a stupid reason to want to break up with someone. I get that. And believe me, I'm not stupid, I know this is a stupid reason. But I also know that I don't want to live my life not being completely happy, and if this is something that I have to have in order to be completely satisfied with my life, then I have to do what is best for me. I'm not a good person, I know that. But I'm doing the best I can with what I have.