I'm starting to miss men, or at least what I thought they were.

I grew up with a wonderful father who treated me like I was everything to him. He encouraged and helped me to be independent, motivated, loved and so much more. The most important thing he ever taught me was that my worth was not due to my looks, but due to my inner beauty and talent. <br>I had a group of friends for years. I considered them brothers. They were my protectors, even though I could protect myself. I had a crush on one of them and he ended up being my first. Yes, I was a stupid girl. I thought he would be like my father and the other friends of ours. He, as it turned out, was extremely chauvinist and demanded I change everything about myself to fit his fantasies. Eventually, I could no longer afford to be with him and the other friends were shocked when I told them what was happening. They convinced me to leave him and told me they would always stand up for me. <br><br>I'm so glad I didn't go through with being a house wife. My mother also taught me how to take care of myself. My father was a carpenter and she was a hairdresser. We had a good amount of money, but when they were older, they changed careers and had much more free time. They were the picture perfect family. My mom did the housework, and my dad would cook and go to the store. I wanted that. But, I was very glad I had a good career when my father passed away and my mom moved to another city and got a new job. We're very close. I miss my dad, but I have friends and a sister who have been my rock through it. <br><br>I have friends and family I can count on, but, I'm lonely. I do not want to date a man. I've seen that men are not who I thought they were. I loved my father, but I now can see the flaws. He never let my mother work even though she wanted to. He said no. That was his right. It didn't matter she missed her career. She was happy, I guess. I don't understand. And my friends, some of my closest friends have turned out to be misogynists, even the "good ones". I don't know if I would ever trust a man again. But, I do miss the thought of a man. I miss the idea of a man. I miss the idea of a husband. I miss the idea of thinking my partner was the most important person in my life, even though I'm the one working and earning money. I miss having someone to lean on. I miss having someone to hug. I miss so much. <br><br>I want a partner so much. I don't want a man. I want someone with a penis, but not a man. Does that make sense? I don't know anymore.